sunday retrospective: love, race and natural hair
In last Sunday’s retrospective the topic of natural hair and relationships came up. Many women said that non-black men and non-black friends were more supportive of their natural hair than black men and black friends.
One of the more interesting quotes was from reader Serenissima:
“I was also on another forum that read that most Black hipster/indie/trendy guys in NYC are into White chicks, and vice versa…most Black chicks with naturals that I see walking around Soho are with White or Asian men. So there’s something else to chew on in this whole debate.”
That didn’t really surprise me. What surprised me was how few women came forward to vouch for black boyfriends/husbands who loved their hair.
So my question to you is: What are black men’s reactions to your hair? What are non-black men’s reactions to your hair? And how have these reactions shaped your hopes and expectations of your love life?
I have noticed a lot of natural women in interracial relationships. But to put that in perspective I’ve noticed that a lot of naturals in general are in relationships. I’d even venture to say that I’ve seen more ‘internet naturals’ married than black women in the general population. Has anyone else noticed this? And if so, why do you think this is?
As we discuss this, I found a few interesting statistics from the U.S. Census Bureau:
3.7% of married Black American women and 8.4% of married Black American men have a non-Black spouse. 6.6% of married Black men and 2.8% of married Black women have a White spouse.
Married couples in the United States in 2006:
- White Husband/White Wife: 50,224,000
- White Husband/Black Wife: 117,000
- White Husband/Asian Wife: 530,000
- White Husband/Other Wife: 489,00
- Black Husband/White Wife: 286,000
- Black Husband/Black Wife: 3,965,000
- Black Husband/Asian Wife: 34,000
- Black Husband/Other Wife: 45,000
- Asian Husband/White Wife: 174,000
- Asian Husband/Black Wife: 6,000
- Asian Husband/Asian Wife: 2,493,000
- Asian Husband/Other Wife: 13,000
As far as my own experiences with natural hair and romance; I did a big chop about two and a half years ago, and rocked a bald head for a while. My hair has recently become medium length (see update post below), before that I rocked short looks…
In college, my black girlfriends and I called ourselves “alternative black people” or ABPs because we had interests, likes and dislikes that weren’t typical of traditional/media representations of black women. So, even before I went natural – When my hair looked like this -
I was surrounded by people – black or otherwise – who affirmed who I was. So the black dudes I kicked it with were supportive when I went natural. I’ve always embraced my uniqueness (I gave up being normal a while back, lol) and I guess I’ve always found men, black or otherwise, who support that.
I went on dates with my short, nappy hair and never felt that it inhibited my love life. And I’m currently in a relationship with a black dude.
So, now it’s your turn. What’s your view on natural hair, race and relationships? My specific questions are high up in this post, so I’ll state them again…
1. What are black men’s reactions to your hair? What are non-black men’s reactions to your hair? And how have these reactions shaped your hopes and expectations of your love life?
2. I’ve seen more ‘internet naturals’ married than black women in the general population. Has anyone else noticed this? And if so, why do you think this is?
***update!***
I just wanted to clarify that the black dudes I kicked it with in college and afterwards — the “alternative black dudes” — weren’t what you’d call “conscious” or “afrocentric”. They were just, I dunno, cool black dudes who loved skate boarding and snow boarding, who listened to rock as well as rap, who studied physics and computer science, etc. They were black dudes who lived life on their own terms. And my current boyfriend is that way.
When I chopped off all my hair, they thought it was awesome. They liked the aesthetic. As my hair has grown in, I don’t think they see it as me being “conscious” or “embracing my blackness.” They just like the way natural hair looks on me better than straight hair.
Also, here’s a link to the U.S. Census Bureau information I found: http://www.census.gov/population/www/socdemo/hh-fam/cps2006.html
I've been natural for 6 years now, after having a jheri curl for 10 years (but I SWEAR it wasn't "Soul Glo" curls, LOL!) and a relaxer for 10 years after that. I am 39 and have been married 13 years to a black British man. He's been with me through all my hair phases and has been supportive throughout. I think he may prefer me with natural hair 'cause the one time I flat-ironed it, he kinda gave me the 'side eye' and seemed to question my decision to try that different style.
I get the sense that some Caucasian men – the ones that seem to be somewhat progressive – have a sort of curiousity about naturally textured hairstyles, but the ones that I come into contact with don't publicly comment about black hair. But deep down, I know they – well, I should say this one Caucasian man I know – want to 'touch it,' get a tactile sense of "all that (wild) hair" on my head. What I have heard, and take as a compliment, are comments from Caucasian men AND women about the different styles I may rock on a daily basis. "Keep 'em guessing!" is what I like to say!.
I have two children, a 12-year-old boy and a 7-year-old girl, and I want most for them an appreciation for Black natural hair textures, versatility, beauty and styles. They will be continually bombarded through mainstream media with images of the so-called "ideal beauty type," which aren't images of black people, generally, so I feel I need to be that example so they will ALWAYS feel comfortable in their own skin, with their own God-given natural beauty. HallelujER!
So you totally rule for being an ABP. We are a rare breed. Keep it up.
It's so ironic that this is the topic today, because about 5 hrs ago I was just having a conversation with my boyfriend (he's black)& how he felt about my hair. He said he preferred it when I relaxed it, but he likes my hair now too & that he supports me either way.
That's how I feel it's been like with most of my family & black friends. But the main ones who really love the natural hair are all of my white friends they think it's dope.
And unfortunately I do have haters in my family that don't like my hair at all and who have no issues with telling me I need to throw a perm in it.
i think the stats make it clear that often we decide something is true on a widespread scale simply because of one's own individual experiences, or at least what we perceive them to be. i always knew that mixed race couples were simply more 'visible', not higher in number. yet people would have you think otherwise.
and just a shout out for the brothers: while my boyfriend now is white, my boyfriend(s) during my transition and through the majority of my natural life (about seven years, i think) were black, both caribbean and african, and very supportive. my parents were supportive, and not one black person has had a problem with my hair (though some were simply baffled as it natural is unusual). sometimes we simply need to be brought some perspective and remember that we don't all hate each other!
So I was going to comment…but then I wrote a post instead, lol. This is what happens when I'm bored at work and its not even 6am yet.
I found last week's comments (about non-black men/people showing the most love for naturals) disturbing and not at all applicable to my life. I have received more positive comments from black people than any others regarding my hair. Black men especially love my hair and I always get compliments when I wear it out (curly fro, twist-outs, etc…). My hair is one of the things that actually attracted my husband to me. He likes natural hair and little to no make-up on a woman, and he found that in me. He especially loves when I wear my hair out and likes to play in my curls. I never had a white man appreciate my hair like my husband; most of them said it was "cool". What the heck is that? Is that a compliment? Anyways, I whole-heartedly disagree with the "black men don't like natural hair" argument and refuse to believe that whites accept our hair more than our own people.
One more thing, I've been natural all my life and have dated many men of all different races. My natural hair has NEVER been a problem and none of my boyfriends ever reacted negatively to my hair. My husband is a beautiful BLACK man who loves his beautiful NATURAL woman!
This is my fourth time going natural and during this new millenium there is a greater level of acceptance that I have found amongst all races towards natural hair. I had gone natural during the eighties, and nineties and felt that I was swimming against a huge current. My dating life did plummet and it affected my self esteem. Now Im older, wiser and stronger, and i am amazed at how much info is out there! I have always enjoyed my natural hair but I don't feel so ostrasized for wearing it and I do notice that I attract men just fine. Now this could be due to the overall greater acceptance of natural hair, it could be because I have more confidence about wearing my natural, maybe i just rock it better now…i don't know. I do believe however that wearing your hair straight increases your pool for attracting men.
I just wanted to respond briefly to your inquiry about black men responses to natural hair. The man that I'm currently seeing has watched my hair transform from long and relaxed, to medium and relaxed, to transition braids, to the natural fro that it is now. We only got together when I was wearing my transition braids, and about two months into our relationship, I started wearing my natural fro. He LOVED it! I usually wear my hair in cornrows with twists or in a twisted out fro, and he can't get enough. He thinks its edgy and unique and that it matches my personality to a T.
At first I was uncertain about how he or other people would respond to my hair in its natural state, but the reception from him has been amazing. Also, I find that I get a lot more male attention wearing my hair natural than I did when it was relaxed or in braids. I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that you have to have a TON of self-confidence to rock natural hair and wear it well.
So in short… the black man I'm with LOVES my natural hair and can't wait to see what new style I'll come up with, and other black men love my hair too… it's all about the confidence that you project…
Well in my experiences, I've noticed that alot of older black men (over 40) LOVE natural hair. However, the black men my age (I'm 21) are so-so on it. Some are ok with it; but the majority would prefer relaxed hair.
Now with non-black men and women I've never received a negative comment from young non-black people. Older white folks not so much, but they never make any comments on it though. I remember getting a crazy look from an older white woman in the subway when I rocked my frohawk. But I didn't pay her any mind LMAO!! Alot of young white people make comments out of curiosity… "how does your hair do that?" or "That's cool. I which my hair could do that. Mine just hangs there!" And a good number have just made comments that seem genuine such as "I like your hair like that" or "your hair looks nice".
Now I have gotten very few positive comments from black women. The few that have say "I love your hair, but I could never do that". (You know the usual!!) The other black women that give me positive feedback are ALWAYS other naturals. But I'm not really surprised.
I wouldn't say black people are not supportive, but I just feel black people are the only ones carrying this good hair/bad hair torch. The only ones who can change how we view our own hair is US. Our mentality still isn't totally loving to who are naturally.
This ABP term is hilarious. So if I listen to rock music I'm all of a sudden so kind of "alternative" black? Doesn't this seem like some sort of generalization? So doing what's perceived as something only white people do is special? lol Why is that even considered out of the norm for African Americans to do? If people would cut off the 50 Cent videos and actually look at the really world they would realize most of those images are just stereotypical and don't always ring true making the term ABP kind of condescending. That alone blew my mind and distracted me from the rest of the post I mean seriously? WOW
I do find that a lot of the girls whose videos I watch on youtube are married. Most of them were already married before going natural, I don't know if this has anything to do with it.
In my personal experience, the other africans where I live assume I have extensions in my hair that make my hair look kinky and then they ask me where they can get the weave to duplicate my texture (I really feel like smacking them sometimes).
Before I cut my hair, pretty much everybody protested and told me not to. My boyfriend freaked out a little bit (we weren't dating then) when I talked about cutting my hair. When I finally cut it, I thought my mum would freak but she loved it, as did everybody else. My sister loves to pat my head whenever she walks by (though she won't in a million years cut her own)
I did met an old friend for the first time after cutting my hair, she reached up to touch it and said "cool" but her expression was disdainful. I chose to ignore it, after all she had an orange weave type monster on her head.
My boyfriend and I started dating after I cut my hair, and on our first date, he said I looked really good and that he loved my hair and how it looked. Then he compared me to India Arie and the moment went sour for me. I don't know why, but I didn't like being compared to a soul sista or someone all "fight the power" and ish which is what he meant.
I don't see my hair as ugly, in fact I think it is unique and so beautiful and I guess it radiates out because I've never gotten any negative responses to my hair, in fact I've made friends because of it. Maybe I just unconsciously block out any hate.
I did meet a white man that I was interested in, but when we got into a discussion about hair, he told me about his aversion to curly hair and that pretty much killed our friendship.
I still get approached by guys, black, white etc…
It's just hair, it's not you. The way you carry yourself is what attracts people to you and not the hair on your head.
I've been natural for ten years now. All the brothas and latino men who have stepped to me and I dated always loved my hair. I've never gotten a bad comment.
Most black men I knew prior to the big chop are not down with my hair.They give me props for having the courage to be different but they think its a mess and would rather not go out in public w. me but my bf loves it. He's been telling me to go natural for awhile now. He even cut his shoulder length locks to a brush cut so we can grow our hair together. Non black men dont seem to have much of a reaction but they do think my hair is cool lol
Great post.
Alright. The first time I Buzzed my hair to go natural around I was around 19 (23 now), people were stunned. I got questions from people(my mother) asking if something was wrong with me, if I was gay yadda yadda. My boyfriend at the time, who was black (and his country ass family) hated it as well. I was very self conscious, but I never showed it. Instead, I told him and everyone else, to love or leave it alone. He loved it cause I was too damn good for him to leave it alone*snapz*. I continued to get a negative reaction from my mother, and a few other people so as soon as it grew out I got a relaxer. I grew tired of looking like everyone else, and I realized how much of a toll all of the chems did to my head, so shaved it again a year later. I wasnt as conscious I then began to notice white men checking me out for the first time. It was crazy, b/c I had never experienced that before. I not only got great reception from them, but OLDER black men loved it too. The weird thing was I could not get a black man MY AGE to look my way. "She bald headed" is what they would whisper to their friends in their XXL white tees/nightgowns lol. Ignorance. I grew out of my old boyfriend and met a (black) man who LOVES my hair. I am trying to get my Pam Grier (fro) by this time next year and dude is super supportive. He also plays the guitar, and loves art, and I'm talking real stuff, not the bedroom art that Ray-Ray sells on the side of the road (which is ok if that's your thing). So, go figure. If I were to call him "afrocentric" or "conscious" or even "ALT" he would get upset, though I do understand why you would say that. Most "mainstream" black men are just not accepting of natural hair, from my experience.
But because I think most of those men are lame, that doesn't bother me.
so
-some black men love it, some don't.
-non black men lobe it
-my love life has not suffered from any of the reaction.
@ labelfreementality… when i was writing the post i really had to stop and think about how i wanted to word that "alternative black person" statement. i mean, keep in mind that it started as a joke between college girlfriends… but to be honest it has become truer and truer in my own life.
i don't think "alternative black person" is code for someone who does what white people do. i kind of used some generic examples in the post (rock, skateboarding, etc)… but the thing is that MEDIA/"TRADITIONAL" BLACK PEOPLE DON'T ACKNOWLEDGE BLACK PEOPLE BEYOND A CERTAIN STEREOTYPE.
for media, it might be the rude, "ghetto" black woman who is unhealthy and has tons of kids and no husband. for traditional black people, it might be the good black woman who has all black friends and listens to all black music and goes to church every Sunday, has a relaxer, lives in a black neighborhood, etc, etc.
in my real-life experiences, i've met TONS of black women who might have SOME things in common with those stereotypes (i have a lot in common with stereotype #2), but also have completely unique aspects to them that are COMPLETELY outside of the stereotype and COMPLETELY unrecognized.
for example, i know black women who are hard-core environmentalists, black women who are sneaker collectors, black women who skateboard, black women who travel around the world, black women who perform classical music, black women who are in the Peace Corps, black women who ride motorcycles, black women who make art, and then, of course, black women who choose not to relax their hair… and those are just a few examples
but even though these women exist, and they exist IN ABUNDANCE, you don't see them on TV or in movies, and they aren't really acknowledged and embraced within black culture… you have to seek them out. which, i believe, is a reason the internet has been so popular for naturals.
so, no, black women/black people aren't "alternative" for doing "white people things." they're alternative for doing things that aren't traditionally viewed as "black." and remember, this traditional view of blackness is a very, very, very narrow view. in my experience, a lot of things fall outside of it.
My husband is black (I've never been in a relationship with a non-black man) and he was with me before I went natural and he HATED my hair straight and completely detested weaves.
I mean we would actually argue about it. Then I went NATURAL and he is so in love with my hair. He compliments me all the time. Loves to touch it. I guess for him, it makes us a more cohesive unit. I mean it does look a little crazy when daddy and kids have curly/kinky hair and momma got a long straight super shiny weave!
My husband is a huge support and has banished the word nappy from my vocabulary. We actually looked up its origin and found out it was a derogatory word for our texture that was made up FOR us (another topic altogether).
But anyway, I have NEVER had a man black white or otherwise say anything negative about my hair (to my face). Men always tried to talk to me before and now I can say even more men try to talk to me now.
And as far as natural women more likely to be married, I don't know. Out of my friends two of us are married and we are the two naturals. I have found that my non-natural friends have (in my opinion) unrealistic expectations of men. (don't know if that has anything to do with their hair though)
Peace
Hmm I'm going to wade out of this one. Nice statistics though, I didn't realize such a high percentage of black women never marry. Growing up in Kenya, every single relative of mine was married (male and female). This is quite a strange yet intriguing statistic
I guess I'm not surprised this topic eventually came up. I have been going natural for the past 10 years now. I say "going" natural because I always seem to be in the process of something: growing locs, growing my fro, or something.
Anyway, I was dating a white boy (I say "boy" and "girl" a lot–pls don't get offended) in college while still relaxed, once I transitioned and had the twa he told me he hated my hair. Is it because he met me with the relaxed hair? Next bf/"guy I kicked it with" was white and he loved my locs & the twa I rocked after I cut them the 1st time. Basically, after that I dated mostly white dudes and they loved my hair, but some would say that they bet I would look even prettier with straight hair. My hubby is biracial, and has seen me with locs, a 'fro, braids, etc. He prefers my hair in braid extensions or cornrows, but met and fell for me with locs.
I don't know what black men prefer, but I think they view me as some hippie type chick so they expect me to do me. And me rocking my hair the way I rock my hair is definitely me doing me.
I'm not sure if anyone has ventured in the direction of natural hair and non-hetero relationships. When I see black women in the queer community I'd have to say that about 80% of them have natural hair ranging from the short fade to the big ass afro or dreads. It's actually seen as something highly desirable and attractive. What really bugs me is that a lot of black people still associate natural hair (especially the teeny afro) with being queer when it's really just a marker of someone who's living counter-culturally. Perhaps black gay women are just the loudest social demographic that wears their hair naturally, causing people to make immediate associations between natural hair and queerness.
I've been natural for 2 and a half years now and i have gotten more attention than when i was relaxed. Some white, the majority BLACK men. I recently went back home to Jamaica and i swear to you it was like i was some rare bird. Young, old, and in-between BLACK men was very interested in me and my HAIR! Some reached out to touch it and one man even said he has never seen anything like that before. Mind you this is Jamaica. Most of the kids run around with natural hair. But not the older women or women in my age group, the 20 somethings. If your natural your either a spiritual Christian or a Rasta. Anywhere i went in Jamaica i was called Rasta girl. I laughed it off because even in the states naturals are viewed as afrocentric or 'deep'.
I am single right now ( i have a goal, finish college then date) but black men have never looked at my hair with distaste. Curiosity and pleasure yes, but never distaste. I meet an ex boyfriend the other day and he said i have never looked better. The black men i know love natural hair and appreciates when a woman just wants to be herself.
While I'm married to white guy, I've dated both white and black men that either loved natural hair or made their preference for straight hair clear.
My husband actually encouraged me to go natural, because he could see that I was unhappy with my flat permed hair. That didn't make a relationship, but the support was a plus!
It may be a coincidence that a lot of naturals on here and other blogs are natural–or it could be that marriage–i.e. being with someone who truly makes you feel comfortable about just being yourself–provides the ideal conditions to make that last "big chop" step.
I've been doing my own little survey type thing about black men and hair (not at all representative since I just ask the dudes I know what they think) but what they mostly tell me is that they prefer natural hair, and they HATE weaves, which I find extremely amusing. Sometimes I think that they actually think that a perm is "natural" but that's a different story. I think it all depends on the guy, cuz I've had some tell me that they don't like fros. I think one guy actually told me that he doesn't think girls look good with afros! In terms of non black people, I find that they usually look at my hair as unusual and interesting, the whole "how does your hair do that" thing. I actually had one white lady ask me if my twists were a way of controlling my hair! and then another one stare at my twists in amazement and ask me how I got it to do that. I just think for them it's a fascination with something that's different to what they have and something they don't necessarily understand. As for my family, when I went natural they didn't say a lot, cuz I was forever changing my hairstyles before I went natural anyway so it was mostly like whatever to them. Just another hairstyle. I don't know that my natural hair's gotten me more or less attention, though I secretly think that some guys are scared of natural ladies (my own opinion). I'll just put it this way, i have these 2 guy friends. They're twins. Twin number 1 loves my hair and had been known 2 sit and just play with it whereas the 2nd one doesn't care 4 it 2 much. He thinks that cuz i'm me, I can "get away with it", but he prefers relaxed hair. He feels that my hair is just too "Macy Gray" for him when it's out. Like I said, it all depends on the individual!
My at the time boyfriend encouraged me to go natural and I did. That was a love/ hate relationship (nothing to do with my hair)so pretty much I became single. During that time there were three dudes trying to talk to me, all black. Anyways me and my first boyfriend ever,who would later become my hubby, started chatting again. I told him I was natural and it would not change. Pretty much take it or leave it. He loved my confidence and thought I looked very sexy with my colored TWA, its been love since. He always encourages me on my natural hair journey though he met me when I had a perm. Even right before we got married at work me and a girl with long permed hair worked across from each other and black guys would always look at me with my comb coils and say I love your hair. I had a white guy say once I looked beautiful. Honestly I don't think I've ever been complimented so much in my life…I do have to thank proactiv as well LOL.
Anyways I've even seen a chic in a club with a full blown fro get danced with all night, and the first time I went with my puff ,I got hit on alot more than when I wore a wig there. (cigarette smoke in your hair is not cool) So yeah I really think if you rock your look and excude that confidence like stated earlier you'll be pleasantly suprised. I've gotten alot of negative comments especially from my famly like when will I get a perm, my hair is to nappy to go natural. Yada yada. Just sort out the haters and the superficial men.
teesha, thanks for bringing up queer relationships! i'm queer too and i definitely feel like natural hair is the only way to go in the sort of politicized queer communities i run in. i think there would be a lot of judgment, or at the very least confusion, if i relaxed it.
past lovers of mine, black and otherwise, have mostly appreciated my hair (or said nothing), but then again, i have nothing to compare it to, having been natural since i was 10 or 11.
I recently did the BC. I have a TWA that is about 3 inches long. I am not in a serious relationship right but I am dating a couple guys-both black. I told 1 that I was about to cut my hair off he said he wasn't sure if he would like it, he was kinda scared that I would look like Florida Evans. But he also said that he never saw anything wrong with my hair and I would be beautiful even if I was bald(gotta love that!). When I did the BC he told me that he thinks I look really cute and he didn't realize my hair was curly. He told me today that he can't wait until I have a BAA so he can buy me some fierce shades and we can stroll together looking foxy(he is crazy).
Then there is the other guy- he doesn't live here so this weekend was the 1st time he has seen me. I did send him pictures though. He made a lot of rude comments like "go get your hair done", "when are you gonna do something to it?", "is that how it is supposed to look?" ,"it might be nice if it was longer or something", etc. He kept picking at my hair with fingers and staring.
I work in a n industry that is predominantly white male oriented. In fact I am the only black women at my location. I haven't gotten any extra attention from any of them. I don't think they even noticed that I changed my hair at all.
So I think the only conclusion I draw my situation is that people are attracted to what they are attracted to whether black or white. I don't think my love life will suffer at all. If a man doesn't want to be with me b/c I rock a natural then I definitely don't wanna be with him cuz it aint changing.
I have NEVER had much confidence. And i never thought i was pretty.
When i had my short relaxed hair i had a guy friend going through my pics on my lap top and he cam across some artsy shot i did with a blown out puff, he just about had a heart attack and said he I looked beautiful with my hair like that. And guy after guy would tell me i would look better with natural hair again lol.
Since i went natural again, i have gotten MORE guys that i WANT to talk to me, try and get my attention. They love it.
But its mostly White and Asian guys are the only ones that really step up and say that my hair is beautiful. Some black guys just cant get through the "image" i guess…what ever that means.
But i dont care what a guys race is, if they are amazing as a person, and i fall in love it doesnt matter to me.
THANKS HUNN FOR STOPPING BY!! THE COMMENT WAS TOUCHIN : )
KEEP IN TOUCH… ;-P
**YANTAN**
I'll try to make my comment brief, but I'm not promising anything. I did not get any support at all when I decided to go natural except for my boyfriend and my BFF (both black). In fact my boyfriend is the one who sprouted the natural seed in me and giving me the inspiration to do it. Had you asked me 4 years ago if I would ever stop relaxing my hair, I would have let you talk to the hand. I thought my hair was too kinky to even last 3 mos w/o a relaxer. Now my family tells me that it was the best decision I could have ever made… Go figure. I have decided to loc my hair and once again my boyfriend (who once again is a black Haitian man) is my #1 fan. I haven't told my family about it because it is a journey that I want 2 enjoy w/o all of the negativity. I have noticed that the way I carry myself makes a big difference in how men in general approach me. Men from all races will approach me but I must say that most of them are older than 30. As for black women with natural hair being married more often than not, I cannot make any comment as I have seen women on both sides of the hair pole successfully married.
Why is conscious and afrocentric in quotes… And.. Why are skateboarders and nerds and "different kind of Black" (o_o)and whatever else… In their own seperate little group? That's another problem we as people have now… This categorizing thing we do, is damaging and reaches far beyond hair types, as evidenced here.
Now, as far as relationships go, I have never dated anyone outside of Black. My boyfriend is "conscious".. And a backpacker, writer, thinker, weirdo. He adores my natural hair. Scratch that: he adores ME.
Well, my boyfriend is Asian, and he's the one who pushed me to going natural. Personally, he found the processes of perms backwards and harmful, so he asked me why I didn't just stop, since I would complain about breaking hair and scalp burns. I never had anything against natural hair so I just figured, what the hey, and did it. He loves my hair and kinda freaked out when I said I wanted to flat iron it. He said it (natural) suits me better and that he'd miss his "sweet smelling pillow". (He's ridiculous XD) One of the best decisions I've ever made.
I haven't had another boyfriend since then so I can't really say about how it's affected me personally but just my observations in the last couple months since I BCed:
White women make no comment on my hair… in fact, they tend to look at it in a strange/preplexed and not so good way.
White guys tend to think it's pretty cool I guess. I think it's more of a novelty sort of thing though. Like, wow, it's so exotic/different *intense look of wanting to touch*. (One guy did, but he was a friend so it was okay).
Black girls and guys either ignore it or love it. If any of them have anything against it, I haven't heard anything.
My mom was a little against it at first but she loves it and she's transitioning. The rest of my family for the most part loves it.
Again, this is based on my experiences among 14-19 year olds. I know I've barely just completed high school so I can't quite comment as deeply as some of the other women here but in general most people seem to like it, and if they don't, they don't say anything. However, when a black person comments that they like my hair, it tends to mean much more to me than when a non-black person does (other than my boyfriend, who is a special case :3) It means that despite the stigma that it holds in our community, they love it, vs. what is probably just an appreciation.
I've been natural all my life, but have recently switched to using only natural products. Have also straightened for a short while but stopped when the ends broke off. All my life I've worn my hair in long box braids but since two months I finally got tired of it and began to rock a braid out. Since then I got more attention from guys of all races and ages when going out.
Nothing but 50s, 60s 70s 80s stuff,classic rock, Beatles haha. I actually don't know any black person with the same taste in music like myself, my mom and my twinsister. And that's ok, but I do like myself some reggaeton and rap from time to time 
My hair is kinda strange: it's long, very soft, shrinks like crazy. When I braid or twist it, it get's shabby within days. I call it straight nappy hair
I've always had so many comments on my hair, ranging from 'Is it real' to 'It will look even better when you relax it'. When I go to Surinam for the summer me and my sisters get asked all the time if we are locing our hair. People, both our family and strangers, are calling us rasta's. It used to bother me a lot, but now I just laugh it off. Gotta say it was only the black people. My (white) ex-boyfriend really liked it and loved stroking my head, running his fingers though my braids. Hell, he would even warn me when it was going to rain so that my hair wouldn't shrink LOL.
To comment on your ABP-term, my youngest sister once told me that if I lost my I-Pod and someone found it and browsed through the songs, they would probably think it belonged to a white, middle-aged men
I think part of FrizzyFizz's comments mirrors what I'm thinking:
"Maybe I just unconsciously block out any hate. "
I think I do. I go about oblivious to the fact that people may not like me or my hair. If I get particularly ignorant comments then I respond to them
"I still get approached by guys, black, white etc… "
Mostly black guys since I live in Nigeria. I go on dates with guys and my hair is never an issue. I think most guys just think that it is a temporary style.
"It's just hair, it's not you. The way you carry yourself is what attracts people to you and not the hair on your head."
I absolutely agree. I think if you are gracious and friendly you will get approached by guys of all types as opposed to if you were mean and surly all the time.
I've had mixed results with my hair…from all kinds of people. I've been natural for about 6 years, after having my hair break/burn off and atrocious scalp issues from perms. It was really bad-but I digress. I've never really had negative results from non-black people, at least not that I remember (with the exception of one incident). They're usually "I love your hair, it's so beautiful!" One white guy in my dorm would always tell me that, saying that it was so "free and unrestrictive, and showed my true self"…bless him. My closest friends, who are near all white, love my hair natural-I think moreso than when its straight; my best friend, who is a Trini prefers me natural. I do get that curiosity thing, but I don't let them touch my hair-actually, i don't let anyone touch my hair with the exception of like 5 people. It is MY hair.
However, I do sometimes get flack from black people. Not always, but on a rare occasion. One of the first times I wore my hair in an afro I overheard a black guy say to a friend "Did you see her hair? I mean, it's nice and all, but its different" in a slightly disgusted and shocked voice. One of my good friends, who is natural, has also got flack from black students on campus for her hair as well. Yet, I get lots of complements, saying "I love your hair(with the sometimes, but I can't do that), I love the natural look! I want my hair like that!" I've inspired people to go natural.
Now, when I had it pressed for a while, I had all sorts of reactions. I got "I love your hair!" from black people, full out shock, surprise, and awe from my white guy friend (who preceeded to stare at it forever), and a "WHY?!" from my close black guy friend that sounded dissapointed and offended (he prefers natural hair and had dreds).
I get approached my all kinds of people, but because of the environment I'm in, I'm more approached by white guys. I do get approached by black guys, but it's a bit less often, I guess because I'm a bit weird and different (for lack of better word, i'm a ABP). Despite all of this, I just personally prefer myself natural (it's usually in twists and I eventually do a twist-out). I feel different when it's straight, and I feel more like myself when it's natural. I'm very simple and no fuss. I hate the fuss of having a perm and pressed hair. I'm tempted to try natural products, but I'm scared it'll screw up my hair again…but I'll be brave soon
Been natural almost 15 years now. It's been an up and down journey with moments. Reaction when I went natural was mixed. A lot of men (black), surprisingly, loved it. I say surprisingly because I was expect the opposite reaction. There were also a lot who hated it though and hated that I'd cut off "all that boootiful hair." I will say a lot of the men who liked it were into what we call "alternative" lifestyles.
I am not a fan of labels either, but in some cases, they are necessary as a means of explaining your viewpoint. I've been told I'm not really black, not black enough, want to be white etc. because of the music I like, the clothes I wore (I had a serious vintage/retro/preppy mix period)…. I get tired of the labels applied to black people that don't apply to me, so if purposefully defining ourselves in a different way is what it takes to get people to recognize that we're not one-dimensional, then label away.
As for dating, I don't find that my hair has necessarily affected that. I do think non-black men SEEM more attentive, but like some other posters said, I think that they may just equate natural with exotic. I dunno.
There are people who will never appreciate natural hair. Leave them alone. In general though, I think how you carry yourself with your natural has a lot to do with the reactions you get. JMO.
Dang… I got so riled up on that APB comment I forgot what iinitially wanted to say lol: those statistics are interesting, and, from everybody's comments, it leads me to believe that this really is a case-by-case thing…. Everyone is different and has their own experience.
And on the whole 'queer' thing: I never noticed a higher number of naturals that were gay, but I remember when I got my lip pierced my Mom asked me was I 'embracing the gay lifestyle' lol. That's the only real appearance-driven stereotype I've seen so far
Interesting post. My last boyfriend was white and he was with me both with relaxed, straightened and short natural hair. Ultimately, he just wanted me to be happy and not spend a lot of $$$ on hair
. My current boyfriend is black and probably wouldn't fit into the "alternative black" description hinted at above. He too loves my natural hair. He met me after I had done another BC and he totally appreciates my *natural beauty* – no pun intended 
For the comment about black natural women in relationships…I think that part of being in a relationship is about being true and happy with oneself, and fully accepting the person you are – isn't that part of what being a natural is all about?
first, let me say kudos for bringing this up as I've had this conversation a number of times. second, "ABP"– that is golden. As others have already expressed, I too find that label troublesome. And finally, to answer the question, being natural for over ten years has brought me a variety of responses. From Black men, nothing but love. The constant comparisons to notable naturals like jill scott or india.arie are annoying but, i think it's a regional thing. by that i mean that southern folks tend to think that natural hair is some type of alternative lifestyle attribute or one relegated to famous, trendy people. so you can imagine what it was like when i went natural in the 90's down here. southern Black women who, i think, have the utmost worst case of needing to fit into a white aesthetic, were often appalled at my decision to cut off my hair and stop relaxing. as for men of other ethnic groups, they never spoke of my hair. again, i think this is a regional thing. my husband, an american born west indian/west african, met me with natural hair and has always loved it. he does, however, prefer my hair shorter(no more than shoulder length).
My black bf LOVES my natural hair. In fact, he wanted me to go natural even before I did, though I when I eventually decided to go natural it was for myself. He has loved my hair from the moment I stepped out of the salon with my twa after my bc to my current medium length.
As for other men, black or otherwise, I don't really notice. I definitely give off taken vibes and/or don't notice guys so a guy would have to be completely obvious for me to notice. I have had a black guy approach me to compliment my "locs" when I was wearing twists, as well as the usual sista type comments. No attention from white guys, but they didn't approach me (or I didn't notice?) when I was permed either.
I'm happy to say that all of the men in my life (black and other) have embraced my natural hair. My father actually was my biggest "hooray!" when he saw me natural for the first time. He said he loved my hair. My current love (who is black) loves all sorts of natural hair. We are as BGLH put it would classify as "APBs." He skateboards, and I snowboard (badly, but I try!).
The only time I received natural hair hate was mainly from black women. There was a short time when I did feel "invisible" though because certain men I was used to getting ogled by when I was long and straight would look right over me. Yes there are men that will pass you by if you don't have your fabled weave to the ass but then you have to not take it personal. Relaxed or natural you are not going to be everybody's cup of tea. Nobody is "universally attractive" to everybody despite what popular culture would like you to believe.
I've never felt at a dating disadvantage because of my hair and I have dated primarily black men.
I typed a late response under anonymous to that post cause I was catching up on your blog but Ill just say it again.
Black men, where I live, approach and compliment me more than any other race of men. I actually think its increased from when I was relaxed. Im 20 years old and yes, even guys in my age group like my natural hair.
No, the black men arent always "deep" types. I get attention from all "styles" of Black men. No I dont have "good hair" and my hair is hardly long (APL stretched – neck when shrunken).
The amount of attention from white guys did not increase for me at least. It stayed about the same. "Other" races however did increase.
When I was relaxed black men approached me too but IN MY EXPERIENCE, they are more I dont know..intrigued or something now. They say things like "I wish more BW would wear their natural hair" or "your hair is beautiful and different".
When I BCd my hair was mid back length, so I did get some negative remarks about me cutting off my hair from family but they love my hair now.
Black women approach me with questions about my hair sometimes, and others may cut their eyes or whatever. From Black women, I would say overall, theyve been positive in regards to my hair.
Honest to goodness, I've received nothing but love from the Black community in regards to my hair. Maybe it is my location (the SOUTH REPRESENT!)?But even if I didnt get positive feedback, Im doing it for me, but will admit sometimes those compliments can brighten my day.
well in my experience it was half and half i have gotten the she looks like a slave /its cute on you but i could never do it /i looove it …ect
I think younger guys either love it or they don't i have'nt gotten any comments that were too bad from guys i got a couple of side eyes from dudes that have seen my relaxed hair ..i don't really the length of my hair but i love the fact that it ranges from fat spirals to loose ways to coffee stirrer sized coils I had a potential person but when he was informed that my hair was going to stay the way it is the vibe changed slightly oh well maybe this is just 17/18/19/20 year old set we shall see
Suggestion: Unmarried black women (try dating non black men). My experience: older black men compliment my hair, younger black men not so much
White & Asian Men seem to really like my natural hair.
I'm a natural and married.
I find that older men do appreciate natural hair more than younger dudes. Which is probably why I prefer a older man. I recently ran into a highschool "crush" (who is closer to my aga)upon a recent visit home and being that I was into my third month of transition i had a fly azz twa, but he told me to "never cut my hair again." like it was the ugliest thing he had ever seen!…his comment said more about his lack of maturity and sensitivity. needless to say Ive since stopped talking to him but I wish him love, health and a timly shift in consciousness.
to me it seems like other races like my hair more than my own. i think maybe it’s an exotic thing. sometimes people see things that are different than their race and think of it as exotic. if a black woman has long shiny black hair, a black man may find that exotic, however a white man may not. i am an nfl cheerleader in a predominantly white area, yet i have natural hair. when trying out for the team, i knew that most black women wore weaves or had long permed hair, i was the complete opposite. i have a curly afro, yet someone thought it was pretty enough. out of the entire panel of judges from each round, i think there were 3 blacks. on the team of 32 women and 400 who tried out, there are only 4 black women.
I think its garbage for people to put the whole “Black men don’t like me because I have natural hair”. Maybe Black men don’t like you because you’re sending out the message that you mostly go for White dudes.
I’m apart of a natural hair group in the ATL area. I would say out of the married women, all that I’ve seen have predominetly Black friends and are married to Black men.
Since I went natural I actually have attracted more Black men. A lot of them say that I look more exotic and I stand out more. They love playing with my hair and they all eventually say something about my hair. They love the products I use and how it makes my hair smell like fruits and its so soft and curly. Eventually more and more of my friends and family because natural all around me. I attract more naturals too. So yeah I really don’t think that interacial relationships are an automatic with Naturals. If you love dating outside your race just admit it and stop blaming it on your hair/options. If you don’t think you have options in your area for your own race, then move.