natural hair only for pretty black women?
Some thought-provoking comments have been left on some recent posts. They suggest that natural hair is only for the beautiful.
Comment #1
some of these same women who cannot let go of their hair have been called monkeys and too black and have seen their sisters and mothers run from the sun.like i said before, i just feel that these women who have not yet freed themselves should be criticized because of it and to answer your question, no i don’t see many bald head dark skin women walking around just as they are not on tv or in magazines but i do see many dark skin women with blonde weaves and perms
beauty is superfical but it is the first thing that ppl will see and judge you on and you can’t deny that.
Comment #2
I really hate when ppl say that it is just hair, its not. never has been for black women and never will be.also long hair is a preference to most black men so that is also an important aspect when it comes to dating with black women who wish to marry a black man. …
take me for example, i get many looks and compliments from ppl when my hair is out-long and relaxed but when i wear braids, i am hardly noticed.
for women who are not as extraordinarily gorgeous as zara is, it is not just hair.
and anything that god himself took the time, thought and consideration to bless us with can nver be JUST ANYTHING!
Comment #3
it is always someone who is beautiful who wants to talk about how beauty is not such a big deal…if you only knew.
I can understand the insecurity that leads many black women to pursue weaves/relaxers/extensions but I think that accepting natural hair has less to do with what’s beautiful/hot/attractive to others, and more to do with adjusting our view of what’s normal. Natural hair is just that — natural. It’s how our hair grows out of our head. Ultimately we have to come to terms with that, no matter what others think. That’s just my take.
What are your thoughts?
@12:45pm, jenteel says: by request from leila, i will post my thoughts originally posted as a comment on the matter:
i haven’t commented on a few of the recent posts because i could already see where the conversation was going…like foxy not-so brown stated on her very own feature, i too am really tired with the color complex “blame game”. like leila stated, the deeper issue is that black people lack unity.look at black women. take a good hard look. the insecurities are plastered on front street. even these “celebrity” black women that are “worshiped” are not even secure enough in themselves to be themselves. yet i see women “envy” them and fall all over themselves in attempts to copy them. look at the numerous celebrities who get plastic surgery. the majority of black female celebrities have undergone rhinoplasty. i don’t know what it will take for women (and not just black women) to get it. THE INSECURITY NEVER STOPS, NO MATTER THE LEVEL. as previously stated, you have to fortify yourself with your own happy force field so that no one can touch you!
as a woman especially, you cannot rely on others to build up your self-esteem. even if you are seen as “beautiful” by the majority, you will still get criticized or judged. look at all the women taking the opportunity to cut down celebrities any chance they get on these gossip blogs; projecting their own insecurities trying to feel better about themselves.
i so respect this comment by shandra e because it is the pure honest truth: “i’m just SCARY without a cause & i’ll use any excuse to justify/maintain my fear!! =/lol.”
but i can’t stomach some of the others….i view some of the other comments as cross contamination of personal insecurity projected towards other women. i am not judging you, but your personal opinions do not reflect the purpose of this blog. there are too many beautiful black women showcased here. too many. you wanted “proof”, we give you proof. everyday. now maybe YOU don’t think these women are beautiful. this may be because of what your own opinions of beauty are, especially since most black women have been brainwashed since day one, usually by their own family members that they are not good enough.
but at BGLH, a wide range of beauty is profiled, so that women can “get it”. even if it may not be projected in your personal sphere, these pictures are supposed to serve as encouragement to counter the pressures and/or difficulties that may be encountered on the journey to go natural that is very much tied into acceptance of self.
once you make the decision to go natural there are no more excuses. you agree to accept your hair “as is”. if after going natural, you feel it’s not for you that’s fine too. we are given this life to make choices that suit our individual lifestyles.
i know where the insecurity is stemming from. we all know. there’s nothing wrong with experimentation but, point blank: if your security is chained together with a box of relaxer or weave or to what you think a man likes, those are issues that you and only you can confront.
we are all here to support one another on the unique natural journey, no matter what form that takes. but please stop making excuses and confront these personal insecurities. take action: surround yourself with positive/forward thinking people. limit your interactions with negative/toxic people. the process doesn’t happen over night, but at least try! then we can at least work together (instead of against each other) past them. similar to what monique stated: stop letting people tell you who and what you are. define for yourself who and what you are.
~j~
Firstly, as the lone male commenter, I applaud you BGWLH for this wonderful blog and for facilitating this dialogue. After being made aware of this post and reading more of the great (and not-so great) comments, I felt the need to add my narrow 2 cents to help provide some perspective from a positive Black male's point of view. Regarding my personal preference coming up, I realized I, as well as my friends, never had one regarding hair. Men love that which is pleasing to the eye and complementary to the woman. A woman having natural hair, while admirable, did not get her an instant beauty pass. The same went for sisters with long weaves or perm. "Hair" never defined beauty as far as I was concerned. I am from the school of thought where if whatever you rock looks good on you, then do it. As I've grown, I've learned to admire sisters with natural hair, but reserved the right to not be attracted to her the same way that flowing long weave didn't necessarily make me want to propose. Hair and TRUE beauty are two different things. I am a professional photographer and I feature black women of all shades and styles of hair in my portfolio…my natural models, regardless of shade or skin tone, get the most response. I actually date a beautiful woman who happens to have natural hair (y'all might know her as Foxy-Not-So-Brown). I do think it is a bit sad that so many beautiful black women have not taken a healthier approach to their hair out of fear of not being accepted by men, family or friends. That has already been touched on here but is something that obviously is learned after being told by the media what "beauty" is. It took my mother 30 yrs to realize why her hair wasn't growing the way it should…now she has a beautiful small afro…the same one she had in 1973, lol. My sister is natural…it didn't take rocket science for her to understand what was really damaging her hair all the years prior to cutting the perm out…she is happy and beautiful. Ultimately, all I am saying is most men with sense, a little style and an open mind should embrace a woman with natural hair. It says alot about they type of woman she is and where she is regarding her attitude of HER beauty, not "theirs" or ours as men. That is the woman I want. Case in point, Beyonce and Solange….both beautiful sisters BUT in my humble opinion, Solange, since her recent haircut, is far more attractive now. Her taking that step was a testament to her openness to explore herself and redefine her personal vision of beauty…hats off to her. For the sisters that don't feel going natural is for you, that is understandable, it just may not be something you feel compliments you. We get that part, but if that decision is based on a vision of beauty dictated by someone else, perhaps some things may need to be reevaluated regarding one's perception of self.
Positive Sisters "do you" and keep up the great energy! We love it and thank you for showing the world that there is more to beauty than most have been led to believe….Thanks again BGLH!
creativesilence.net
@anonymous 11:02… no worries. emotions run high sometimes. i'm glad you found this blog. we come in all shades, textures and sizes and we try to be honest and supportive here.
@creative silence… thanks for the input!!! i'm seriously considering having a men's round table on BGLH. i will definitely have to hit you up for that.
black women always have something to say about… like well you're light-skinned or you have that good hair that's why you're pretty.
well, maybe you should start looking at the beauty in everyone, but first yourself then you will realize that there are so many BEAUTIFUL, SEXY, PRETTY [YOU NAME IT!] looking black women who are so damn FLY!
Natural hair is for us if you haven't notice, but this was the hair that was suppose to separate (& by the looks of it does) and distinguish us from them all! Point Blank!
i really wish some more men would comment on this subject.
Ladies, with all the comments that have been made on this subject of beauty, its obviously a VERY touchy subject. But don't feel bad that some of us feel bad. We have been indoctrinated by beauty commercials since we first watched TV at age 1. It's understandable all the angst. Unlearning to hate yourself is definitely a long journey with winding roads, hills, valleys, rivers to cross, mountains to climb. Take this piece of advice: We have two sets of "eyes" in which to see ourselves. The first set is "oppressor eyes" We compare everything about ourselves with the dominant standard that we have been fed throughout our lives. By that standard, we lose on all fronts. Then we have our brand new "liberation eyes". Through this set we come to see the reality of our beauty, bit by bit. These eyes are a little blurry when we first get them. We keep squinting and strengthening them until they come into focus and we can "see" ourselves and all our beauty without comparing our features to others' features. Then we start to feel that freeing feeling that comes with our "liberation eyes" We stop wanting to use the "oppressor eyes" because they become more and more worthless and obsolete. We then realize the gift that God gave us (only!) and we are thankful! Then we start strutting around the town with our big bad afros, our TWAs, our frohawks, pompadours, two strand twists, etc like we own the damn place!! We command male heads to TURN!! and LOOK at some natural Bold Beauty! Black men fall to their knees in confusion–they've been watching those same commercials since age 1 also, yet they secretly want to run their fingers over your kinky, coily, nappy happy hair! Oh so sexy!
Ladies, freedom gonna come! Don't forget to walk in it!
I've gone natural several times (finally got right this time thanks to the abundance of info on the internet and sistas helping sistas!) but the first time I went natural ppl told me that I was changing and becoming someone else. I was always that girl who had lots of men on hand, but once I did the BC lots of lovers (former and current) started to treat me different or told me flat out that they hated my hair. Guess what? If you hate my hair then you hate the me that GOD made me to be and obviously we ain't meant to be. I loved myself enough to keep going natural 'til I got it right and had dreads a couple times too–Dudes still tried to holla and I still enjoyed myself. And now I'm married. It's whatever, son. If you don't like my hair, kick rocks…somebody will. When I wake up in the morning I must impress myself first before I can assume anyone will be impressed with me. But my dark-skinned West Indian daddy always told his kids they were beautiful (so was he) so that confidence was there.
i doin't think that anyone should let soceity dicate their ideal of beauty but i do feel as if it does affect what men perfer
sure there are men out there that will love you regardless but that usually comes with time and age
the older the man/ woman the more secure that they are
like i stated before, i am only 19 and finding men like this at my age
is a rareity
yall are 30/40years old, yall are not thinking about what YOUNG women are facing
@ anonymous 11:24… there are a lot women around your age — and even younger than you — who have been profiled before on this blog. again, i think you should read through the archives before you make judgments.
"like i stated before, i am only 19 and finding men like this at my age is a rareity" -ANONYMOUS
Believe me, I completely understand. I am 19 and in school as well, and I am on my natural journey. I understand that it may seem difficult to find men in our age range that are open-minded enough to accept you and your natural beauty, but I've learned through this process that it's not about finding a mate. The natural journey is what you make of it…for me, it's about finding and defining who I am and learning to love the woman in the mirror.
Don't worry about the immature, over-rated boys who can't see pass your outer beauty. When you reach your happy place (loving yourself 100%, with little insecurity), HE -meaning the man that you've been yearning for- will waltz into your life.
I agree that it shouldnt matter what these men want. I used to think it did when some guys used to comment on how braids didnt look nice n i shouldnt get them again. I admit I wasnt comfortable with my hair. Well thats what I thought. I was actally not comfortable in myself as a whole. This summer is the first time in ages I feel confident about myself and I now believe it really doesnt matter if your hair is natural, dudes do dig it! Ive only really just opened my eyes tho, better late than never.
You just have to be self confident and not try change yourself to be accepted. It aint healthy.
should this be about natural hair, light or brown skin? or should this be about what it really is….a race for outer beauty at any cost!…when we keep pursuing outer beauty we ourselves are feeding into the lie that outer beauty is a virtue….look even women who are natural are as obsessed with their hair and appearance as women who have relaxed hair….hence where is the freedom? I think when we begin to realise that outer beauty can attract but will never make a man or anybody stay with you meaning beauty is more than attractive features…this will be a key….some one said earlier that when a woman is at her preetiest is when she is comfortable with who she is and i agree with this because true beauty starts from within, it really is not about the outside even though we should take care of ourselves…look i am just twenty…so it is not about age but a determination to discover who you are for you and when you do my dear it is the greatest freedom in the world
I am dark-skinned, have obviously nappy hair (been natural for over a decade), have never had stereotypically "long" hair that I didn't buy, and have never gotten the "you're pretty for a dark-skinned girl" comment. Oh yeah, I don't have a man either. Gosh. Where's the razor blade? *rolling eyes*
After a point it's like: You really need to decide what kind of life you're going to live. Are you going to be unhappy or happy? Comparing yourself to others is a guaranteed recipe for unhappiness.
I generally avoid mass media and I take with a grain of salt the opinions of those people (ESPECIALLY WOMEN) who consume large amounts of mass media. It's amazing how these two things alone have improved my mental health.
It takes guts to go against the grain and I'll be honest: It gets easier the older and closer to death you get. Some of the most real, I-don't-care-what-you-think folks I've met are people who've experienced real tragedy and survived…and this gets back to my question about what kind of life you want to live. Ultimately what other people think of how you look DOES NOT MATTER. You need to please yourself first and foremost and other people can either get on board or not!
aMEN sista opinion!
You need to do an 'i follow BGLH because' interview. seriously.
my email is contro_versial@hotmail.com
preach!
Do people realise the absurdity of saying 'natural hair is only for pretty black women'!? Maybe people who feel this way need to look at how they themselves view natural hair, who they believe needs weave and perm and why. Natural means in its original and pure form. How could anyone not suit what they were born with? Often I see people say 'my face is too round' or 'my head is too big', no that is an insecurity you have within yourself, maybe people who say this are concerned about their weight or have other issues with their image that enable them excuses NOT to go natural.
I understand that for some, they have not been brought up to believe hair is just hair. Some women grow up in environments where hair is highly important and there is emphasis on the beauty of long hair as opposed to short, straight as opposed to kinky, groomed as opposed to free. They may not have the social structures and family support of those who say it is 'just hair' and we cannot forget that. However, if you are transitioning towards natural hair while living in an anti-natural environment then you have made the first step towards accepting your natural self.
The issue of black women's hair is a tangled one and much like the clothes and style, we are not really doing it for men's opinion and acceptance but the larger black communities and MORE importantly our fellow females approval. I feel that to a certain extent black females are constrained by what others think we should be and a struggle with how we can come to define ourselves to be what we want to be. I don't feel that black males go through this with regards to appearance and I don't feel men need to be asked their opinion because it reinforces the idea that self-esteem and self-worth should come from outside influences and not from within the individual.
As a black female living in the western world, dominated by western/European ideas, do we have an understanding of what is beautiful for us? No because we are all to willing to be told that if we do this or that then xyz will find us more appealing. Maybe living within our western societies, we do not feel we have a place where beauty is concerned and we have therefore tried to assimilate to what is considered beautiful.
Physical beauty is elusive and it is not about hair alone. It is not the only quality that makes a woman worthwhile or a woman. I hope one day black people will redefine what it is FOR US, and not those who want to push a singular image of black beauty onto us.
Once you love yourself, whether others have light-skin/dark-skin, short hair/long hair, straight hair/nappy hair no longer becomes an issue! It ALL starts with loving and accepting yourself.
As far as the attack on foxy…yes, she is lightskinned and beautiful but do not ignore her very full lips and big nose. African features are beautiful and she wouldn't look good if her feautures weren't as ethnic as they are. I'm a little more brown skinned that foxy, but my nose and lips are as big as hers and I was teased while growing up about my African features. Now that I'm grown people think I'm beautiful and cannot understand why it took me so long to think that about myself. You have to love yourself and know that what God gave you is perfect. Work with it and get some confidence…the rest will fall in place.
Anonymous, I know you are only 19 and you have A LOT of growing up to do, but the time to start loving yourself is NOW. It is a gradual process, but you have to start somewhere. No better time than the present! Love of others, and yourself, is a decision…make up your mind and choose to love yourself and stop hating on others.
Ok – someone please cite the studies that have been done to support that men/black men/ all men/prefer long hair on women. In Africa, which is where I am from.. BEFORE the influence of colonialism.. Can we really say that this is true– is this notion really INHERENT in Men?
Im just asking a rhetorical question, but if someone can find the studies, please email me at okorolina40@fotki.com cause a sister needs to read it!
And I need to show my brothers and my hubby this research too!
I agree with Jenteel and several others. If you dont think of yourself as beautiful or attractive in certain ways, that is on you.. but please dont project it onto others who may not feel that way. We all tend to be insecure about something.. i for one am not big about long hair although some consider it long.. i personally think I could use some "work" as far as attributes go.. But that would then be saying that what God Made me is NOT pleasing to ME even though it is to HIM and to HUBBY. That statement calms me and raises my self-esteem.
I think is blog is great in that it really embraces diversity of hair and attitudes about hair, etc. But the overarching goal hopefully by presenting this is that we can look at ourselves through pictures and writings and be, at best, proud of who we are as a people –what we have and continue to struggle with, and the need for support and acceptance with one another.
Unity is sooo needed! I think I'm cute in my own Lina40 way, and you need to pat yourself on the back and say
"Im beautiful in my own *insert YOUR name here* way!
I don't think that i was hating of foxy, i was simply stating my opinion..
I don't think natural hair is for just "pretty black women."
But I think…as with any hairstyle/cut, there is a certain style that probably fits your face very well. Sometimes, hair cuts (not just black women's hair cuts) don't look great on the person.
It's important to not let people tell you what to do, but my friends always tell me when my hair looks good and when it doesn't (also…know which friends to trust on the topic).
Just know what looks good on you.
@Lina40:
Sure, in Africa BEFORE Colonialism, men loved all types of hair. (And African women had super long hair before colonialism too – I have some pictures, maybe I'll put them up).
Either way, AFTER COLONIALISM the tendency of most men is that they like and enthuse about long touchable hair.
And many of us have experienced how the black girl with the long hair in the classroom always got the most attention.
Obviously, there really is no way to account for every single man in the world, but if people all over the world keep experiencing this and reporting it over and over again, then it's only logical to conclude that there must be at least some truth to it.
SUGABELLY..so what if men prefer long hair?…why on earth does everyone equate natural hair with short hair???
as if being natural you are doomed to a short hairstlye and destined to be manless..guess what?..natural hair can be long.
If you meet a man and he doenst like short or natural hair..you need to keep on looking, obviously ya'll aint meant to be..
news flash!!!!..short haired,long haired, nautral haired, permed and weaved women get married everyday..stop making excuses..stop letting men define your definition of beauty…If I gave in to that i'd be anorexic, permed, half naked and MISERABLE…we are smarter than men..lets start acting like it.
@Foxy Not So Brown: If you noticed, in my comment above, I said African women BEFORE Colonialism (and before they foolishly started straightening their hair) grew super long hair.
I also said I had pictures.
And the reason many people (but not me) equate natural hair with short hair is because for the longest time now, natural hair HAS been short hair (because people insisted on treating their coily/kinky hair like straight hair causing it to have problems growing).
And as far as is obvious, many many men fall into this category through no real fault of their own. Many people grew up encountering other people with natural hair that was never past their shoulders (dreadlocks are not included. And yes, I know there are exceptions) So this helped form the association of
natural hair with short hair.
Now as for allowing men to define beauty, it is beside the point that women with all sorts of hair are getting married every day.
The point of this whole discussion is not marriage. The point of this whole discussion is BEAUTY. And beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and unfortunately most of the time the beholders are MEN.
So while it probably is unhealthy to allow men to define what you think is beautiful, on the other hand, it is an almost inescapable reality.
The reality of life is that most women want to be desired by men in some way.
The reality of life is that since most women want to be desired by men, then what those men collectively think is beautiful is at least marginally important to most women to various degrees of course.
Marriage is beyond irrelevant. Yeah sure you could be married but if all the other men in the world thought you were ugly then you'd still be unhappy.
Women aren't made of iron and steel. No human being is. Humans are affected by what OTHER HUMANS think and say, and while it's all very well and good to espouse that beauty comes from within and that we should all be the source of our own social nourishment, at the end of the day it is IMPOSSIBLE.
It is IMPOSSIBLE to go through life completely unaffected by the thoughts or opinions of others.
It is IMPOSSIBLE to be a woman and not feel something (however slight) based on society's commentary on your beauty.
It is IMPOSSIBLE to ignore the ideas that men hold about beauty because at the end of the day we want to be with those men, and we hope they find us attractive.
Nobody wants to be told they're ugly or feel they are ugly. And because nobody wants to be told or feel they're ugly, whether we like it or not, what men think is beautiful WILL impact us in some way (however big or small).
Sure, it's very important to maintain independence of mind and of will, but I'm shocked at all these people coming here and acting as though they're made of rock-hard diamonds and social commentary just bounces off them.
A lot of men are quite taken with long hair, and those men seem to be in the majority. And that is why a lot of women are equally taken with long hair, and that is also why long hair is seen as more feminine.
And because long hair is seen as more feminine, it makes it easier for a lot of men to write black women off as being UNfeminine, because a lot of men associate natural hair with shortness (irrelevant of the truth of this) and many believe that even when a black woman has long hair, it is fake (thanks to rampant use of all manner of hair extensions among Black women).
I'm sorry, I'm just telling it like it is. It isn't pretty, and I don't think it's right either, but I also think it is folly to not take into account the impact the opinions of others have on us, particularly the opinions men have of us as women.
@ sugabelly
1. can you holler at me regarding those photos? (contro_versial@hotmail.com) if you already have them up on your site, i'd like to link to them.
2. i've had short hair all my life (it's JUST NOW that i've gone natural that it's growing off my head and down my back) and i've never had issues with finding dates/being in relationships. i think we can't isolate 'long hair' as the primary characteristic that men think about. it's one of a combination of factors that they MIGHT consider.
some other factors include big busts, round hips, big butt, small waist, healthy skin & nails, nice body shape, bright eyes, etc, etc.
i don't think having long hair trumps everything else. i mean, i remember long hair being super important when i was in kindergarten/elementary school… but as my classmates and i got older, hair played less and less of a role in which girls were considered knockouts and which were considered average. (and i went to a Catholic all-girl's school, so perhaps our ability to define feminine beauty in a male-free environment was good for us.)
and what about OTHER non-physical characteristics that affect marriage/relationships? for example, marriage is most common among people of the same socioeconomic group and education level.
and if you drill down further than that i think compatibility (not long hair) trumps everything. i don't know of many men who will go through with a marriage with a COMPLETELY uncompatible woman just because she has long hair. (i know some will, but most won't) and we have to look no further than halle berry/rihanna/christie brinkley/vanessa bryant to see that beauty ensures NOTHING when it comes to relationships.
beauty and relationships are two COMPLETELY different things.
i think that is why, as foxy-not-so-brown suggested, what men think of our physical appearance can't be our motivation for changing how we look.
even if we do change, it guarantees NOTHING.
and i'm not ignoring the fact that men's opinions do shape, in some way, our decisions about how we will look… but i think how we feel about ourselves is more powerful and important than that.
a LOT of women who follow this blog and have natural hair are married, and many to men of different races.
just goes to show how little long, straight hair factors into many relationships (including mine.)
@ sugabelly…
oops, i forgot to mention something.
you started your post out by distinguishing between beauty and relationships. but by the end you had tied the two concepts together:
"It is IMPOSSIBLE to ignore the ideas that men hold about beauty because at the end of the day we want to be with those men, and we hope they find us attractive."
that's why i mention marriage/relationships in my response.
i feel that beauty has less of a role in relationships than we think.
i mean beauty plays a BIG role in media.
but relationships… real relationships… are about commitment and compromise.
Sugabelly.
you are preoccupied with what men think of hair.
as my boyfreind stated amongst these comments (creative silence) men want you to look good. period. long or short, natural or permed.
im sick of women using this as an excuse.
Confidence will Override Hair type/length any day so Really…the question is Less about 'Are you "pretty" enough' to rock a Natural style & More So, Are you CONFIDENT enough to rock that natural style??!!!
&& I found this to be an extremely interesting post from a Natural haired girl :
"Even after I was comfortably natural, I still had to deal with the superficiality in the natural hair world. We are almost just as bad with our obsession with curl definition and elongation, trying to will our curls into category 3 because category 4 is considered less-than. It's inescapable all around because women are judged for their beauty against a standard, period".
Because I have noticed on different blogs, statements like "which hair pattern do you have" Or "Ways to grow your hair"!!! These seem inocent at first, BUT More than anything: more than accepting & loving culture, more than accepting & loving one's self…most women with the natural styles, from my observations, Are Still extremely obsessed with LENGTH and Texture most closely associated with european without being european (the whole good BLACK hair phenom)?!!!
& Like BGLH stated, past Kindergarden, Hair becomes less & less of a factor…FOR MEN!!!
So i'm starting to wonder if it's more so a problem WOMEN have…The same woman who obsess over hair type/pattern/curl vs. kink….I wonder if deep down inside These women just Can't seem to get over the COMPARING/COMPETING??!!!
i think we like to blame men, but really…the way we often feel as women, has alot to do with OTHER WOMEN!
just think, most Flashy dressing women know their clothes mean nothing to a man…(as a man so anonymously stated) they just want us to Look GOOD, but we take it upon ourselves to label & separate what's good & what's not via Clothing Labels, Hair Lables, Body/figure Labels, beauty labesl, etc!!!
Simply Put: this blog is GREAT because it targets the PROBLEM & the SOLUTION: WOMEN!
god… i'm so sick of women giving excuses that begin with "But black men like/prefer…"
I think that such assumptions are not only insults to the intelligence of black men but also insults to the freedom of women.
I agree Teesha.
@everyone:
First of all, I have natural hair so I'm not using it as an excuse.
I am not defending or supporting what men think, I am simply REPORTING.
I'm not saying that because there are men out there who refuse to date women with natural hair, or who do but consider women with long straight hair far more attractive than their girlfriends, that we should all run to the nearest pack of relaxer. God Forbid.
What I AM saying is that it is INSENSITIVE of some naturals to make out that the only beauty reassurance you need is your own, because this is JUST NOT TRUE.
As women we feed off affirmations from the people around us of our beauty no matter how independent minded we claim to be.
Hey, most of the time I don't give a shit what other people think but things still get to me. Especially things said by family, close friends, significant others or love interests.
So I think some people have missed the point of what I said.
I agree that these attitudes of men are very wrong and need to be changed, but at the same time, I don't think it is right to discount the reality of their impact on our hair self esteem and on our personal perceptions of our hair.
After all there are loads of natural haired women that straighten their hair before interviews.
If it was true that the opinions of others don't count then why would a natural haired woman experience fear or apprehension about her hair in relation to the job interview?
It's not right, and I am not saying it is, but at the end of the day, we are not 100% in control of the perceptions of our hair, and because other people have opinions and feelings about our hair that they put out there, it AFFECTS US.
So yes, there are loads of men that like long silky straight as possible hair.
And that is why it is a challenge to stay true to yourself when you come across one of those men and in a world that keeps trying to foist this super straightened image upon you.
It shouldn't be a challenge to just be yourself but unfortunately it is, and I'm just pointing that out.
Ok, I really hope this post comes through. I am of the belief of many other of my sistahs who subscribe to the theory that women WITH hair are the ones who typically make statements like "its just hair, it will grow back" those ppl have ALWAYS had hair and it is no issue 4 THEM!!!
@Sugabelly (& everybody else):
You do have a point. In my comment I said that if a dude didn't like the me that God made me to be then he could "kick rocks" but I have always been told that I was pretty (not bragging just stating a fact) by my family members a lot at first, but also by others. So yeah that goes to your head and gives you confidence early on–all I had to do was build upon what my family already instilled. However, I have been told by some others that I wasn't that pretty and that they didn't know what the big deal about me was…by that time I was pretty confident in myself and respected that everyone has an opinion so it didn't devastate me. I've also had ppl say negative things about my locs (when I had them) and my hair texture. People had negative things to say about my texture because my hair wasn't healthy and well taken care of though–I hadn't learned how to do so. Good looking/stylish hair is gonna get respect regardless and it's up to us to learn how to do that. I think the take away lesson from all this is that we should find our power/sense of beauty/self-confidence within. If you already love what God has given you (whatever that may be)any compliment after that will just being icing. Everyone in the world wasn't meant to look the same and there somebody for everybody, I'm sure. Confidence goes a long way in attracting mates no matter what you look like…I've seen it myself.
Ladies, it's obvious that we have had different experiences concerning "beauty". It all depends on your formative years. Did the folks around you love their natural selves, including men? Did they appreciate both natural and weave or perm? Was there fear of napps or short hair? All of these factors and more play into how you see yourself!! So depending on where you are is the level of the fight you have to wage to get to the prize of LOVING YOUR NATURAL SELF!! Let's be patient of our sisters who had bad experiences, and let's be tolerant of those lucky sisters who had the good experiences and can't understand the fear of the first group. Again, I thank God for these forums where we work out our own issues!!!
Blessings
There are too many "beautiful people" in the world who are ugly inside. I don't care what you look like. If you are a nice person and have a good heart that is all that matters. I am not drawn to people based on looks.
As far as being attractive to other men, black or otherwise, why would you want to be attrictive to a man that is shallow and only wants a woman with straight and/or long hair? Don't you want someone to love YOU not be in love with a fake version of you?
When my hubby met me I had short hair and wore retro cat's eye glasses. He fell in love with ME not my physical appearance. Since we have been together, I have gained and lost weight, shaved my head, dyed my hair and gone through different styles of clothing. He never cared!!! Because he loves ME, the person inside. We just celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary and are more in love today than when we met because we are our natural selves with each other not some fake version of ourselves.
Ladies, be your natural self and you will attract the kind of man that will love you UNCONDITIONALLY. You will also attract good friends who like you for you and not because you are a fake version of yourself.
I really feel that all the time, energy and money women put into changing their appearance to something that is not natural is OPPRESSIVE!! It wastes energy and brings you down. God did not make a mistake when he made you.
Beth my dear you get it. (Queenbuv3) *hats off 2 you*
I could not would not in a house. I could not would not with a mouse..give 2 shakes of a cat's tail about some dude not finding me attractive because my hair is kinky and not like Barbie's. If that is the way he thinks then my napps just helped me dodge a bullet. I don't want a man that is victim to the snare of society's ideas of normalcy and beauty. I want a real man that is open and appreciates me on my best day or my worst. I want a man that if God forbid I was tempted to taste the creamy crack again would snatch it out of my hand and say NO YOU DON'T. I want a man, not a boy, not a puppet, not a follower, not a thug, not a dummy, not superficial, not an enabler, not ignorant. The man that is for me will love me from the inside out. A man that loves the black woman and everything she stands for. Knows our struggle and encourages me to keep free of the ideas that separate our people. So I walk around with my "ugly" face..my big nose and my full lips..my imperfections and my nappy hair but my head held high. My arms open waiting to embrace the man, the sister, the friend that is for me. I will settle for nothing less.
@Sugabelly
It is one thing to be human and to allow the opinions of others to AFFECT you and another thing entirely to allow them to DEFINE you. I don't pretend to be made of steel. Sometimes people make comments that offend me and make me upset..even hurt my feelings. BUT is that going to make me try to fix w/e it is they think is unacceptable and conform to their ideas? Heck no. I do not allow someone else's preference to dictate my reality. I agree we cannot discount the impact others have on us and or our self perception. But you can control HOW MUCH and WHAT KIND of an impact others have on your life. If it causes you to hate yourself or change something you like about yourself solely for their benefit then you are giving other people control of your life. And that is not healthy. If it makes you feel insecure at times or makes you upset..that is normal. We are social creatures. All I'm saying is that you can draw the line. You don't have to pretend to live in a bubble but you don't have to be as easily moved and shifted as a summer breeze either. But my love I do understand where you are coming from.
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I went natural for me and I will stay natural for me. I have had negative comments here and there but they didn't change the fact that I LOVE my hair to no end. And the fact that I think going natural is one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life. I don't style my hair any differently when around those people and I don't treat them unkind. I'm me, love it or hate it, take it or leave it. Their comments affected me in the sense that I feel bad for them. It saddens me that they do not see the beauty of natural hair. Their loss. The only person I will change for is God Almighty and I'm certain he likes my napps just fine. It takes great strength to think and live this way and not try to be like everyone else or live up to society's standards of beauty…to swim against a strong overwhelming current. I thank God for this strength and will work until I die to keep it.
in case anyone's missed it before, the site le coil showcases a RANGE of black women/natural hair lushness on the regular–all kinds of women looking like you, me or someone you know. check it out sometime alongside bgwlh to get a fix on the beauty of who we are. reaffirm yourself, if needs be. http://lecoil.tumblr.com/
Hmmm… My two cents. If it grows out of your head…then it’s for you whether you know it or not. But like everything else that goes along with beauty, (which is in the eye of the beholder) you have to figure out a way to make your STYLE compliment YOU. And that has nothing to do with texture.
I think for all the discourse on the definition of beauty as it relates to a person in there ‘default’ state I will say I would rather be no place else. I find the because going vogue (intentionl mistake)is for the strong because it requires staring insecurities, criticism and fear in the face, it makes the participants a very bonded. And even though I dont know not one of you I feel a sense of belonging and if I didnt have you I wouldnt have found and be loving my default me. These difference in opinion are to me like watching sisters fight,we are still family in the end, so bicker on ladies bicker on.
hmm to anonymous I believe God sent me here for you. You are 19 and I am 18. I am darkskinned , have big nose , and a lil acne. It does get made fun of even by friends ( bcuz what friends can say may hurt someone) , but at the end of the day I know who created me and my purpose. If God created me doesnt that mean I am a princess
? I guess it may be different for us all because my spiritual life is the central of my life and I believe that I was made beautiful. so what if I have a big nose , or if Im darkskinned. So what if you don’t see girls like me in the media . At the end of the day , if you don’t love who you are please dont expect someone to love you. oh and I am single and I don’t find nothing wrong with that because being single does not always have to be about “beauty” (whatever you definition is). Sometimes our commitment season is just not ready. Let God work on you, and you’ll see your blurry eyes turn into eyes that love what they see. I guarentee you, everyone who has written a post is beautiful in there own ways because God created and plus we are females. We were MADE to be beautiful! I dare you to embrace it! God bless