Guest blogger post #1: Do natural women fit best with non-black men?
February 7 to 13 is BGLH’s second annual guest blogger week. I will be turning the mic over to BGLH readers to say what’s on their mind. Simon is our first guest blogger and the first dude to ever post on BGLH.
***
Before I begin I must admit that growing up, I never found natural hair to be sexy or even appealing. Yes! I admit the self-hate. Like many other people of color, I had been brainwashed into believing that Western features were ideal yada yada yada you know the rest of the story. Suffice to say, my perceptions have clearly changed. I have nothing but the utmost respect for natural women not only because they are beautiful but because they are brave. In a society that idolizes only one definition of beauty, picking up that clipper to do the “big chop” must be the scariest thing in the world. Yet natural women do it and they overcome it and for that I tip off my hat to them. I find natural women to be incredibly sexy and unique.
I go to college in the Midwest and there aren’t exactly a lot of natural women in the Midwest. Everything is very generic and people go with what the crowd is wearing or doing. During winter break two years ago some friends and I went to New York City. On Christmas Eve, my friends and I were at this huge international party in Brooklyn. Most everyone at the party was white or Latino. All of a sudden I noticed a very beautiful, locked black girl sitting at a corner. She oozed so much confidence and there was a certain sophistication in the way she spoke. I approached her politely and said “hi”. We were the only two black people in the room. She replied unenthusiastically. Every time I tried to start a discussion with her, she would ignore me and walk away. Because of her abrasive attitude, I stopped trying to talk to her. When white guys approached her and introduced themselves, on the other hand, she was very polite and she would start conversations with them. I believe she left the party with one of the guys at some point. And unfortunately I have had several unfortunate experiences with natural women like this one.
A few months ago I decided that I was going to grow an afro. I know absolutely nothing about natural hair and hair products. I asked my sister for some tips (we live in different countries) and she told me to use Google and YouTube. I started my natural hair research online and I started to notice a trend. A lot of the female natural hair bloggers had white husbands and/or boyfriends. This got me thinking; do natural women prefer white men? Is that why I have been having bad experiences with natural women?
Months went by and my small afro started to grow. Something very strange started to happen. All my white friends became absolutely obsessed with my hair. They would grab it, squeeze it and try to experiment with it. Every time they saw it, they would shower me with compliments. They even voted my hair the “best hair” among everyone in our friend circle. To them natural hair is “curly hair”. They don’t make distinctions like “kinky” or this or that or whatever. My black friends, on the other hand, were appalled by the afro. They would call it “nappy” and say I should be ashamed to come to school with hair like that. I remember my fellow African/very good friend saying that “You look like the real African bushman. Go and cut that hair”.
This got me thinking; if natural women prefer white men is it because white men are more receptive to natural hair? Is it something else? Let me hear your honest opinions.
***
Simon is 22 years old and a first year graduate student. You can read more from Simon at his blog http://a-boy-from-another-planet.blogspot.com/
I’ve also noticed some natural sisters dating white men, and I think you were on to something when you said they might be with white men because of the positive reactions they get from them compared to the negative reactions they get from some black men. But what still perturbs me is the fact that she totally shut you down despite the positive vibes you were sending her way. I don’t think the natural woman you met is necessarily an accurate representation of how most natural women act. That said, some young black males really do need to check themselves. From what I’ve seen (and I can only speak from personal experience), some young black men are overly obsessed with long, straight hair, and there is just so much more to beauty than that.
HEY I COMMEND MY SISTERS FOR LOOKING FOR LOVE OUTSIDE THEIR RACE. BLACK MEN HAS DISRESPECTED AND IGNORED BLACK WOMEN (OF COURSE NOT ALL BLACK MEN, HOWEVER LET KEEP IT REAL A MAJORITY). ITS SO BAD THAT TMZ EVEN MENTIONED IT WHEN AT KHLOE KARDASHIAN’S WEDDING THE CALLED IT THE A SWIRL GANG BECAUSE ALL OF THE PROFESSIONAL ATHLETES (EXCEPT FOR ONLY 2) WERE WITH WHITE WOMEN. WE ARE NO LONGER THE ANGRY BLACK WOMEN BC WE HAVE MOVED ON AND WE ARE BEING LOVED, RESPECTED AND VALUED. DO NOT LOWER YOUR STANDARDS IN THE NAME OF BLACK LOVE BC BLACK MEN HAVE A PLETHORA OF SUCCESSFUL BLACK WOMEN TO CHOOSE FROM BUT THEY GO THE OTHER WAY. LASTLY I WILL NEVER FORGET ABOUT A BLOG THAT A BROTHER WROTE ON HOW HE FELL IN LOVE WITH A GIRL BECAUSE WHEN SHE TOOK A SHOWER HER HAIR JUST Laid DOWN UNDER THE WATER AND IT TURNED HIM ON!!!! REALLY HAIR TURNED YOU ON WOW! THANK GOD SISTERS ARE NOT JUST STANDING AROUND WHILE BLACK MEN ARE MOVING ON AND MARRYING OUTSIDE THEIR RACE. Oh AND I LOVE THE SITE INTERACIAL MARRIAGE MINDED SISTERS (I DONT THINK I SPELLED IT RIGHT, BUT GOOGLE IT). YOU WILL SEE SISTERS LIKE THE BEAUTIfUL KERRY WASHINGTON, HALLE BERRY, ROBERT Deniro’s wife,Wolf gang poks wife, ZOE SALDANA, EVE,NAOMI CAMPBELL, IMAN ALEX WEK AND PLENTY OTHER BLACK STARS WITH WHITE MEN. I DONT CARE WHAT ANYONE SAYS SAVE IT FOR SOMEONE ELSE BUT AS BAD AS THE SISTER ALEK WEK IS…..A VERY SMALL PERCENT OF BROTHERS WOULD GIVE THAT BEAUTIFUL SISTER PLAY….WELL HER WHITE BOYFRIEND IS LOVING EVERY INCH OF HER AND REMINDS HER OF HER BEAUTY EVERY DAY (HER OWN WORDS “REMINDS ME HOW PRETTY I AM EVERY DAY”). CALL ME SELF HATE, CALL ME SELL OUT, I DONT CARE…cause I CALL ME HAPPY!!!!!!
You know I think it’s just that the white men made her feel beautiful in all her naturalness is all. Black really do tend to frown upon natural hair.
@ AyitiCherie- Well said!
To answer this blog’s title, I don’t think it’s so much a question of whether natural women *fit* best with non-black men but maybe it’s more a matter of personality types and open-mindedness. What I mean by this is that perhaps black women who would consider dating outside of their race also happen to be the same types of women that would feel confident enough with themselves to go against the grain and wear their hair natural. I mean, I fit this description–I’m a natural black woman and my husband is non-black (he’s mexican american), but when he and I met I was still relaxed. It wasn’t until about 4 years into our relationship that I made the decision to do my BC. So maybe it’s just my personality type.
@ PerleDesAntilles
Merci cherie
Stacy said:
“It is the unconditonal acceptance women gravitate towards not the color.”
I think this one statement perfectly sums it all up.
“BLACK MEN HAS DISRESPECTED AND IGNORED BLACK WOMEN (OF COURSE NOT ALL BLACK MEN, HOWEVER LET KEEP IT REAL A MAJORITY).” – AyitiCherie
Ayiticherie, blaming a majority of black men is not the best way to
solve the problem of failed black relationships. It’s not like all black women are perfect too. I have met A LOT of black women who have attitude problems and are unbearable to live it. In my college, for example, a lot of black girls complain about “the lack of good black men” but yet when they meet a brother who has straight A grades, wears shirts and trousers and treats them with respect, they will call him gay. These are the same girls who would choose a young lil wayne over a young Obama in a hearbeat yet they are quick to criticize black men. I have had these experiences but I don’t walk around saying that a majority of black women are to be blamed for the failed state of black relationships. Finger-pointing and putting all the blame on one gender never really solves the problem.
I have had these experiences but I don’t walk around saying that a majority of black women are to be blamed for the failed state of black relationships. Finger-pointing and putting all the blame on one gender never really solves the problem.-Arika
REALITY CHECK
Black men are the reason for failed state of black relationships.
We as black women need to realize that statistics. 41% of black women have never been married. You know why?? 21% of black men dont have HS diploma, 17% of black men dont have jobs and 8% are in jail. That leave us with 54% that are “available” now factor in the black men that date out there races. What are we left with as black women?!?! Look up the facts! Dateline did a segment on that LARGE number of single black women, that is where I got most of the facts from and I was shocked. We need to wake and not feel like we are being disloyal for dating out of race. That is the only way we will have a chance of finding men on our level. Most successful, educated black men dont date black women its not the 60′s anymore Black men dont stand by us. They like the mixed, spanish, white anything but black. And this is coming from a women that is with a caribbean successful,educated, black man with no kids. It was so hard to find him and if i wasnt with him I would have ended up with a white man.
@ AFRIKA (RESPECTABLY)
WOW……….AFRIKA….YOU DID NOT HELP YOUR POINT BY DOING THE EXACT SAME THING YOU ACCUSED ME OF…”ALOT OF BLACK WOMEN HAVE ATTITUDES AND ARE UNBEARABLE” …..SOUNDS LIKE YOU ARE USING THAT FINGER TOO….YOU DID NOT MAKE MUCH OF A POINT WITH THAT ONE…YOU CANT POINT YOUR FINGER AT ME AND ARE GUILTY OF THE SAME THING..REALLY AFRIKA…THATS THE SAME REASON BLACK MEN CLAIM THEY DONT DATE BLACK WOMEN…AND ANOTHER THING, I HEAR YOU BUT YOU MUST BE YOUNG SISTER,,,BECAUSE ALL OF THE SISTERS I KNOW WANT A BARACK (AND MY SISTER AS WELL AS MYSELF ALL HOLD EITHER MASTERS OR Ed.Ds) THATS THE MAIN REASON FOR SISTERS FLEEING IN DROVES TO NON WHITE MAN BC NO ONE WANTS TO SETTLE FOR BS AND IN YOUR WORDS “LIL WAYNE TYPES”(3 BABY MAMAS HAVING, CAN NOT COMMUNICATE BEYOND “NA MEAN”, AND AGAIN LIKE I SAID BEFORE THIS IS NOT ALL BLACK MEN, WE ARE MORE SHOCKED WHEN A BROTHER DONT HAVE KIDS THEN ANYTHING ELSE). YOU ARE NOT REALLY CONVINCEING ME WITH YOUR REPLY. MOREOVER I AM NOT INTERESTED IN SOLVING ANYONES PROBLEMS, I WILL LEAVE THAT TO YOU…WHY IS IR DATING A PROBLEM….I AM JUST INTERSTED IN BEING RESPECTED AND HAPPY AND BROTHERS AND PEOPLE LIKE YOU ARE ALWAYS SAYING THAT BLACK WOMEN HAVE BAD ATTITUDES BUT MY MAN (WHO IS NON BLACK)THINKS THAT I AM JUST A STRONG MINDED EDUCATED WOMEN THAT NEEDS A STRONG MAN AND THAT HE IS…..SO I WILL LEAVE ALL OF BLACK WOMEN BASHING TO YOU AND THE BROTHERS THAT USE THAT AS AN EXCUSE AND REASONING FOR DATING WHITE WOMEN AND I STAND BY MY COMMENT! BLACK WOMEN DONT SETTLE…YOU DATING OUTSIDE YOUR RACE IS NOT THE REASON FOR BLACK FAILED RELATIONSHIPS ,,,THE PROBLEM IS THE NUMBER OF BLACK MEN THAT ARE IN JAIL, THAT DO NOT GRADUATE HIGH SCHOOL, THAT HAVE MULITPLE KIDS BY MULTIPLE WOMEN, AND THAT ARE GAY (AND I SAY THAT WITH RESPECT I DO NOT BELIEVE IN BASHING BASED ON SEXUALITY)THAT LEAVES A SMALL NUMBER OF PROFESSIONAL EDUCATED BLACK MEN AND A GOOD AMOUNT OF THOSE MEN DATE NON BLACK WOMEN (AND I NO LONGER GET UPSET BC I AM HAPPY TO SEE SISTERS JUST MOVING ON DOING THEIR THING) AND IF YOU ARE A LUCKY ENOUGH SISTER TO FIND ONE, I AM HAPPY FOR YOU BC THERE ARE MORE BLACK WOMEN IN AMERICIA THAN BLACK MEN (1.8 MILLION TO BE EXACT)I WOULD HAVE LOVED A BLACK MAN BUT I REFUSE REFUSE REFUSE TO SETTLE……IF IT WAS NOT FOR THESE SISTERS THAT JUST MOVED ON WE WOULD HAVE A LARGE PERCENTAGE OF SISTERS (MORE THAN THE 40%) THAT WOULD NOT REPRODUCE OR BE MARRIED AND THATS MORE OF A PROBLEM TO ME THAN INTERACIAL DATING…. SO ONCE AGAIN I STAND BY MY COMMENT!!!!!
“Amen” to Ayiticherie.
It amazes me how a simple question about non-black men being more receptive to natural black hair evolves into the state of black relationships. To answer the question posed by the guest blogger, it depends. I do think some white men are more receptive to natural hair, but I think it may depend on what area of the country you are in.
Now, here is my two cents regarding the dialogue on the state of black relationships:
I agree with Ayiticherie whole heartedly. A woman should not have to settle. When I met my husband, I didn’t have children, I have a J.D. degree, my own car and my own place. I couldn’t find a black man that could say the same. But, I found the same in my husband, who is white. I didn’t marry my husband because he was receptive to natural hair. I married him because he is a gentleman and wasn’t afraid to court and woo me. Furthermore, he wasn’t afraid to “put a ring on it.” Couldn’t find that when trying to date black men.
If black women continue to focus on color, then those same black women will end up spinsters. I realized that and began focusing on how I wanted to be treated and what the man had to offer. And stopped focusing on the color of his skin.
As Shug said in “The Color Purple,” “I’s married now!” *lol*
i just think some natural women gravitate more towards whomever accepts it more…the kind of brothers who don’t like natural hair are usually the kind that the ladies want to stay away from anyway..so why be angry? lol
I stopped dating black men after I realized that the ones in my community didn’t find me attractive because i’m not mixed, white, asian or latina. I would only get hit on in very disrespectful ways that usually pretained to the size of my boo-tay (lol). I’m also college educated and I have a ton of goals so that X’ed out many young black men around me as well, and they really didn’t like my TWA and guys I worked with would ask me all the time when I was going to get weaved up……..So I expanded my horizon and started dating Asian men and I love it. The gentlemen I dated had lots in common with me and never said anything to degrade me or my hair. One man I was dating loved massaging my scalp and told me he loved how much personality my hair has. My fiancee is black and korean and we share the same values and ethics and he has never expressed the need for me to change my hair or that my skin was too dark, he gushes over how beautiful our daughters will be and how proud he is to have me by his side. I think most black men have been caught up in this eurocentric culture worse than black women. A cousin of mine proclaimed on facebook how black women weren’t popular anymore and he has no use for their “burnt black asses, gimme something light and bright that I can see.” What the hell is that??!! when we have that ignorance coming from black men why in the hell should we want to wait around for that. On the other hand when too many brothas do this they spoil it for all the ones who truly love us because we start to think they are all the same so women we should at least hear what a guy has to say before writing him off…..i have no idea if I am making sense lol. Go with who you match with, who intrigues you, who loves you, who you love, who keeps you interested, who you can’t stand to be without…If that person happens to be another color then all I have to say is “haaaaay get it girl!!” lol.
I’m a UK graduate 09, and feel that there is too much emphasise on statistics, basing ur love life on this is not a good move and all the qualifications issue, is it really necessary? What I’m Tryna say is why u wait till your over 25 to find love, I’m surrounded by educated brothers who don’t have a car, house or pd, but that doesn’t mean there unworthy, in fact where equals, cos when ur in uni no1 expects this from you.
People should find Love young and grow with it, I pushed my bf through uni and now that were both grads were focused on making a life, Exceling to the top in our choosen fields.
To bring it back… i’ve been in a intra-racial relationship with my Malaysian-chinese boyfriend since 1st year. Why him? because he the only guy at that time that was brave enough to make a ‘come correct’ move to me. He respects my attitude toward culture and tells me straighten hair doesn’t look good on me, all about the fro.
The motto, start young, work together & take control of your future.
@ Vacra…HEAR HEAR!
Simon thank you for posting this article. This the most fun I have had on this blog. Very interesting perspectives.
Zoe was so sexy in Avatar…. I don’t know why Vanity Fair snubbed her.
@ayiticherie toussaint just rolled over in his grave reading your comment. jan w ap kouri deye blan… smh
From a feminist stand point, I have to say this is not in any way the fault of black men. It’s us women that have brought this upon ourselves.
The reason is, MEN DO NOT KNOW ANYTHING regarding what is beautiful on a woman, EXCEPT WE TELL THEM. This is especially true with hair! We have told men that relaxed hair is ‘cleaner’ and more ‘refined’ and that our natural hair is rough and tough. This is what they have been exposed to and know no different. However it remains our responsibility to stand up for our natural selves, including the hair.
Accordingly, when women begin to do what’s best for them and stand by it, men will in turn respect them and even love them for it… Just like the saying goes, you cannot argue with success.
Why does it seem that black women and black men have become enemies instead of lovers? I am a natural black women and I date whoever I am interested in black, white, purple and green. I will admit that the black men that I have dated had issues with my hair despite it being natural when they met me but that is not to say that others won’t love it.
I think that the young lady the author mentioned probably just didn’t like the game he was kicking. Most of the natural ladies that I know date black men. Most black women want to date black men. We are the least likely to date outside of our race. It does seem to be an animosity there though. Can we stop hating ourselves and love each other? Really the thing is that hair issues amongst black people=hair issues amongst most black men (maybe to a larger degree). Maybe natural sisters have picked up on this?
I think the more important question is why most black men don’t want black women that don’t buy into the majority beauty standard. Why do they want to put us down? I.e. countless hip-hop songs. Sometimes I get the feeling that some black men hate black women. In the end I will be with the one who loves me best regardless of race. The question is whether the brother can step up to the plate or not.
Natural black woman married to a wonderful black man – I’ve dated men. good, attractive men. Period. I’m with a black man and I’m blissful but it wasn’t a prerequisite.
When we met in college (where black men were few and far between) I had a two-toned twa. We’ve been together through a multitude of hairstyles and the only negative comment I ever heard from him was when I went back to the perm for about a year. He was never a fan of that ‘salon smell’, Plus, then I didn’t want to go for walks in the rain anymore!
I could go on but here in the SF bay area, I got more men (of every race) trying to talk to me almost the moment I went natural (both times). I think there’s a confidence that comes with being natural and grown men know how to appreciate.
I have to second Vacra’s comment. -> “haaaaay get it girl!!” Loves it!
I have been dating my boyfriend,who i met in high school my freshman year and recently got back together with, for one year this august and i decided to go natural about 2 months ago. He is white and he loves my hair, he plays in it alot now touching all the curls (so i have to worry about hands in fro syndrome a bit). He says he can’t wait for me to have a huge fro, and that made me really happy. When i had relaxed hair(he met me like that) he didnt seem to really notice, but he likes my twa. He used to talk about me having a BIG afro when i was relaxed so i guess he has always liked the idea of me going natural. I have had bad experiences like a guy saying “look, she bald” and that really upsets me. but i;m happy with my boyfriend and he’s happy with me so yeah
I see a trend with that as well, I often think that some men don’t like the woman with the weaves, wigs, extensions, or the relaxer you can’t touch. The “natural girl” can be more spontaneous and look good wet, air dryed…lol and sleeping w/o crying over her hair excessivly (:
I know for me after wearing those veils of relaxers, braids and wigs, doing the big chop andletting the hair grow out. I noticed a big part of me was undiscovered and the real me couldn’t break through those chemicals. The confidence you gain overtime from being “natural” is attractive and the real beauty of our features comes through. That’s why I think naturals are more noticed by different races.
I AM SO FUCKING SICK OF THIS ARGUMENT!!! Are you really going to turn your back on the Black Man and the African family as a whole over HAIR????!!! Yes there are some Black people who don’t like natural hair, but there are just as many White people who don’t either!!! White people just have a tendency to say disrespectful comments behind a persons back. To think for one moment that some of your white friends have not called you “nappy headed” behind your back. Honestly, any time I see a natural with a White guy my first thoughts are “you’re probably one of those chicks who has programmed yourself to think that Black Men only want chicks with perms” Give me a break.
@MissyD: I’m one of those women who’s done wasting time with black men who don’t want me — dark-skinned, nappy-headed — because I’m not going out of my way to look like a sad imitation of a white woman.
Though honestly, where I live, it really doesn’t matter HOW a sister wears her hair — the majority of black men who are about something will not date her. They may fuck her, but they’ll do it on the DL while chasing after any and every white woman they can get. The vast majority of biracial kids in this town — and there are a LOT — are toddling after white mothers.
Here’s the thing: In almost every OTHER aspect of my life, my current location is paradise. What do you suggest I do? Sacrifice all of that and move just to support the “African family”? Stay single? Date some loser just because he’s black? Or date men who are about something AND appreciate how I look AS I AM?
Maybe if more black men got their heads straight the so-called “African family” wouldn’t be in crisis mode like it’s been for the last 25 years…
Let me start by saying that I am a college educated black man from the hood in Chicago. I’ve never been arrested, and I have no children. I have a very diverse group of friends that I’ve grown up with – 7 of us have college degrees but many more have been arrested or are in jail. That being said, those guys that were the quintessential hood boys got a lot more attention than us nerds/”good dudes.” I continued to see this in college (New Jersey), and it wasn’t until after college that I met and fell in love with my natural haired wife. My college educated friends remain mostly unmarried.
Why is this? For my generation and specifically my city, the allure of fast money in the streets led to a lot of fathers being taken away and young men needing to support the family. With no father figure, black boys almost never reach their full potential. Specific to this question, no one is there to teach them the value of a strong black woman. This younger generation is afflicted with the disease of escapism. The girls are looking for swag and the boys are looking for big booties and long hair. They are chasing an image that is being force fed to them; an image that has no counter. When all a young man sees is light skinned or white and latina women being portayed as sexy and desirable, and no one is telling him different, what do you expect his values to be?
I could go on forever, and I apologize for my rambling rant. Let me end by saying I lived with white boys in college-I was surrounded by them. I don’t see what the fuss is about. A lot of the criticisms I hear about black men as far as how they treat women, I’ve seen in white men. I don’t know why any black woman would see them as their savior. If you do, I think you are setting yourself up for disappointment and heartbreak. Don’t discount a black man becuase of his sckin color, and don’t swoon over a white man because of his. Skin color does not determine behavior.
@Norman you speak truth. Are you single…LOL
To answer the post question – No. I believe a natural woman fits better with a man who will appreciate and love who she is, inside and out. A real man will accept all of her, regardless of his own skin colour and ethnicity.