Guest question of the day: How do I convince my young daughter that natural hair is worth it?
February 7 to 13 is BGLH’s second annual guest blogger week. I will be turning the mic over to BGLH readers to say what’s on their mind. Kelly is up next with a q of the day…
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My 20 month old daughter Akili has hair like her Mama’s: multiple textures, thick, coarse, and a handful to comb. On average it takes almost two hours to properly shampoo, condition, detangle, and moisturize her hair. Since she is not yet two, I use all that I can to keep her still and quiet: a few pieces of soft peppermint candy and episodes of Caillou, Dinosaur Train, and Sesame Street.
By the time this is all over, my daughter is pretty tired and cranky. If this is what she has to go through on a weekly basis, how can I convince her that having natural and nappy hair is a good way to live life?
Hi,
Gorgeous baby girl!!! I also have a daughter, 3 years old, and we’re both natural. I understand the long hair hours and just wanted to suggest a more simple routine while she is so small. Maybe washing every 2 weeks w/ co rinse and scalp massage in between. I keep my daughter’s hair in twists (about 35) 90% of the time. I co-rinse with twists in and seal with coco or shea. Also, to help w/ time, only half of her hair is EVER loose at one time. On wash day when it’s all out, I only twist half of the hair and put the other in a bun on top. Add barrets and thats her style 1/2 up, 1/2 down until the next day.
She’s beautiful!
I have her like her and one thing that has significantly simplified my routine is oil rinses. This is a video that I have found on youtube that explains it, and there’s a mum washing her child’s hair with this technique:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Nj_HlSEWwg
Hello!
I have a 3 1\2 yr. old daughter and it takes about the same time to do her hair as well. I also entertain her with TV shows, playing games on my laptop and a snack or two. Here is what I do to cut down on the melt downs. After moisturizing and detangling, I section her hair in 3 parts(that’s how I wash her hair as well). After I twist one section I take a break. That allows her to go to the bathroom, run around a bit or do whatever she wants to, as long as she’s not sitting in the chair for at least 10 minutes. This has helped me out tremendously.
My whole family is natural; me, my husband and my daughter. Almost everyday I talk to her to let her know how beautiful her curly hair is. My husband joins in too. We identify with her feelings of knowing that tangles hurt sometimes and yes it does take a while but it’s so your hair is healthy. We are setting a positive foundation so that if/when that time comes (question whether to be natural or not) she completely understands the benefits of having natural hair. Now she reminds me to wrap her hair up at night when I forget and says to me “Mommy, I love my curly hair.” Besides having my husband and I as role models, we also rave about other curly/kinky ppl that we see on TV and how they have hair just like her and how wonderful it looks. So when she sees them she points them out with a huge smile!
I would say keep telling her how beautiful her thick hair is and point out other naturals and make a big deal about it. I have also read books to my daughter. One of our favorites is “I Love My Hair” by Natasha Anastasia Tarpley. Hope this helps!
God Bless!
She’s so pretty!!!
I remember how hard it was to do my little girl’s hair when she was that little. She simply hated sitting still for so long.
In retrospect, I regret not keeping her hair a lot shorter since she would have been just as cute with tiny puffs.
I highly recommend that you keep it just long enough to make cute puffs or little fro with a pretty ribbon (oh my gosh, she’d be so so cute!!!) and leave the more time-consuming hairstyles for when she’s older.
You can convince your baby girl that natural hair is worth it by verbally rejoicing and embracing its beauty and always telling your baby girl that she is beautiful and to love every part of herself including her natural hair.
In many households (including my own as a child), natural hair is not a topic of discussion, therefore natural hair is viewed as more of a nuisance instead of the crowning glory which God has bestowed upon us.
As another suggested, you may want to reevaluate her wash regimen. Try your best to make wash day more of an adventure instead of a chore
What an adorable baby! And that picture is priceless
Surround your daughter with beautiful images of women in natural hair. If she is only seeing folks with relaxed hair, it’s not that she wont see the point in sitting their for two hours for her hair, it’s that she wont see the point in sitting for two hours for NATURAL hair.
Relaxed hair (which I have) is not nearly as easy to manage as people think. You spend all day at the salon letting your scalp burn so it’s straight, then add heat to give it some curl, then make sure you dont sweat or get any water near your hair or let anyone touch it. You have to wrap it regularly and take great care when trying to do anything to it as it tends to be very fragile.
But we’re taught that going through all of this is worth it. To fight that teach your child that going through the washing, conditioning, etc is worth it. If she sees women taking lots of time for natural hair, it will be a pain, for sure, but it will be seen as an important process to maintaining her gorgeous crown.
Also, if she gets older and starts to complain about the time involved, remind her that having relaxed hair, takes jut as much time to take good care of it…at the end of the day hair is hair and at least she will KNOW how to take care of her hair in it’s natural state, even if she does decide to experiment later and perm.
You can show her in nice ways and small ways the way that relaxers can potentially damage a persons head.
Hi
My daughter is 5 years old…with a whole lotta hair. “Hair Day” is a whole day event in our house. We have turned in into a “girls day” rather than a hair day. As Salynthia said, I use protective stlyes on my daughter’s hair, mostly twist. And I constantly tell her how beautiful her hair is.
What a beautiful girl! My daughter is 2 and a half, and I completely understand your frustration. However, I’ve found that positive reinforcement tends to work along with getting them involved in the process. My daughter helps me sort out her barrettes (by color and shape), and I constantly talk about how pretty her hair is. When I’m finished, then we do a “model dance” in the mirror. LOL, I know it’s silly, but it works
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She is beautiful!! I remember when I was around her age, it wasn’t about hair being worth it, it was about all the time I had to sit still and the tugging!! I almost go mad just thinking about it. I agree with Salynthia, possibly a more simple routine would help at least while she’s young, and as she gets older you two can share the progressive experience of introducing more techniques to take3 care of her hair.
I agree with Salynthia. I have a 3 year old too and for the longest time she was wearing her hair loose everyday. It was beautiful but a hassle. There was a feature on here about a woman and her daughter’s routine and the woman said under no circumstances does she let her daughter wear her hair loose, it would become a tangled mess. So about a month ago I began putting my daughter’s hair in about six ponytails with twists and not only is it cute but it’s SO easy to manage now! Some days when she wakes up all I have to do is put a little coconut oil on the ends of her twists and around her hair line and she’s good to go!
I also wash her hair in sections as the featured woman suggested and it’s great because her hair does not get tangled and the process is much easier. My best to you, your daughter is beautiful.
Cute kid!
Your daughter is 20 months old, and much too young to make decisions about her hair. So it seems like you’re the one who needs convincing that it’s worth it. This stage will pass and it will get better. Have patience with your daughter.
Hi! Below are my humble suggestions:
Simplify hair routine. Maybe wash on the 15th of each month & redo braids/twist bi-weekly. Reduce the use of products. Maybe stick with a light oil like extra virgin olive or coconut oil. Daily give her hair a light mist of water with a little glycerin mixed in. Styling or cleansing should not take up too much of her time. Maybe try working on one half for an hour, then let her play for two hours and then do the other half. (5-8 Ponytails, large braids or twists)
Tips for showing her natural hair is beautiful: Wear your hair natural, have artwork in your home of women w/natural hair, & compliment on her hair.
She’s beautiful! I agree with previous comments, praise and positive reinforcement helps a lot. I also think simplifying the routine or breaking it would help too. Putting her hair in two-strand twists or box braids would take more time up front, but you can wash the hair with them in and then while the hair is still damp, take them out section by section to detangle and remove shed hair. You could then just add a moisturizing styling product, retwist or rebraid and move on the next section. You can spritz them, or as needed, and freshen up any that get fuzzy as you go. If you want to vary her look, you can put twists/box braids in ponytails, or add a headband or other cute accessory, or blend sections together for bigger twists/braids.
Oops! My previous comment should have read “breaking it up” not “breaking it” Apologies!
She is absolutely beautiful! Simplicity is key with young children! At 20 months, she can get her hair done in the bath tub with plenty of toys around and lots of warm water so soothe her scalp, skin and prevent crankiness. I have written about it a few times. We are not ready to cut our son’s hair, and pain is not an option we have either. I refuse for him to be uncomfortable when I do his hair, so for now the bath tub works wonders.
I think that always pointing out the beautiful natural women you see will really go a long way. Now of course this has to be done in earnest because kids always pick up any hint of dishonesty so you really have to MEAN IT TRULLY every time you say “your hair looks so beautiful” to a natural and not just say it BECAUSE the lady is simply natural.
*** Also I just feel the need to let you know that it has also taken me 2-3 hours to detangle my nearly SL to APL hair for the past few years UNTIL I finally put two and two together from all of the hair advice I read online including articles from BGLH. Nowadays I have decreased detangle time to a simple 30 minutes which is a pure miracle for me. To do this I added oils (castor oil mixed with coconut or avocado) to my Suave Tropicals Conditioner in small haphazard sections (no need to carefully part) and let it set on my head for 15-20 min with a plastic cap and my own body heat. After that I gently detangle each small section from ends to roots with my fingers (combs snap my strands), rinse it out, make large twist to dry overnight and seal in the moisture on each twist with any butter or oil. You can do this condition/detangle process before or after you wash your hair because that’s simply a preference thing. Conditioners with great slip always helped me but I was still in there for 3 hours NO MATTER which one I tried (I have tried IT ALL trust me). The same for olive and other types of oils, they just didn’t do enough to decrease my hair care time. The CASTOR OIL is the key. Just play around with the proportions until you get a mix that doesn’t leave your hair too oily afterward its been rinsed out but still does the detangling job well enough.
I just felt the need to say all of that because since I made my little discovery I just can’t stand to hear people say they spend 2-3 hours detangling like I used to. As much as I love to play in my hair I think spending 3 hours once a week or 6 hours per week for me since I like to wash twice/week can easily lead to frustration with our hair. Mines is VERY coily (I don’t like the words nappy or kinky) and I used to have a much harder time with tangles and single strand knots than I do now. PLEASE try this for your daughter and keep tweeking if my routine doesn’t work. I think decreasing her hair care time to 1 hour per week will really encourage her to keep her hair natural when she’s older. It’ll also allow her to wash as necessary and not want to avoid it like its a chore. The constant washing (meaning moisturizing) without tangling will also allow her hair to grow longer and that may also encourage her to keep it natural if she can attribute her hair’s health and/or length to its natural state.
Okay. That’s all.
@yaya24
You also make a good point about making hair care an adventure instead of a chore.
That got me thinking thinking about how we approach hair care in general. You should try to ensure that you do not allow ANY negativity about wash day or hair maintenance reach your daughter. By that I mean, don’t say “oh geez, here we go” in a tired and agitated voice when you go get the hair tools to begin doing her hair.
In addition, as a person with extremely coily hair and a tender head, I do believe that it is possible to do a child’s hair without hurting them. You should try to master this especially. So that pain and worst yet actual tears won’t be associated natural hair care.
There are lots of lies and misconceptions about the so called “manageability” of straightened hair (whether through heat tools or chemicals). Your daughter will fall for all of it if natural hair care is painful or unpleasant. Even though her straightened hair care routine may also be painful (heat tool burns or chemical burns) and unpleasant (long waits at salons, avoiding water, dry hair and breakage) she will still think the other side (straightened) is greener than natural because it is still the status-quo and more widely supported than natural hair.
I agree with a lot of the suggestions already given on time management. I just wanted to add a bit more on the positive reinforcement. First I just want to commend you for reaching out and considering much more than just your own time/commitment.
I don’t think one should look at it as what she ‘has to go through’. Although, she will learn eventually that women ‘have to go through’ a lot in life. But taking care of her body, her self-esteem, her hair, hair diet, and her spirit is key to becoming a whole being. I believe that since women have so much to do, it’s important to carve out ‘me time’ and doing one’s hair is only one example of that.
When my daughter was that young I remember trying to do her hair as a struggle because she didn’t want me fooling with it at all! She would scream and kick and fight as she got a little older…
…eventually, I learned to do her hair (after washing it and oiling it) while she was sleep, just like I used that time to clip her nails…
My daughter is now about to turn twelve in April and inspite of being surrounded with natural hair role models,she really really wants straight hair by any means necessary! I blame all the famous black female performers/ singers she loves to watch…their hair is all permed with long weaves!
Of course, I have no intention of straightening her hair, but I have no doubt that if nothing alters her thinking…she’ll do it as soon as she goes away to college!